9 days to... go.

Mom has this list of serials she doesn't give up. They are somewhat like method in the madness for her. In Parvarish today, the 17-year old makes tea for her dad for the first time. And the reaction the actor gave was the reaction my dad gave to. He would have been so proud of me today. Mujhe udhte huey dekh toh rahe ho na?

Strange how the moment you are sad, you are reminded of all the things that have gone wrong with you and you start to feel the collective pain radiated from the past. And then there are those songs, the songs that will help you dig deep in your scar and make you really live that pain. Tell me, if I miss you bad enough, will you come back?

But then again when you consciously decide to smile, no matter what - you are reminded of everything that is so right, right about NOW. Like the feeling of knowing someone is looking out for you. Haan thodha dard hua, par chalta hai.

A life changing decision: Shifting base to Shanghai - leaving mom, family, friends here. It is tough. But I guess, I'll have to want it more than I am afraid of it. It is like that last five seconds before you jump into the river from the raft or jump off the bungy platform. It is scary and I am apprehensive. Yet, it's now or never. Somehow, somewhere, this will all make sense.

#YouRemember?

I still dwell on your thoughts. You still dwell in my dreams.

There is nothing you can do about it. Nor can I.

प्रतिबिंब

वो बूढ़ा आईना रोज की तरह,

दीवार के सहारे खड़ा रहा,
की वह अभी आएगी
और भागते हुए जायेगी।

रोज़ का नाटक था देर से उठना
और बिना ध्यान दिये सब काम करना
बढ़ी बहन से लड़ते हुए 'बढ़ी' बनती है
पर आज भी जब वह हँसती है
... तो वही दस साल पहले वाली 'छोटी' लगती है

माँ ने आवाज़ लगाईं
'लगता है फिर आज देर हो जाएगी,
न जाने इस लड़की को कब अक्ल आएगी?'

तौलिये से बाल पोंछती हुई
तभी वह आईने के सामने आई
आईने ने गौर से उसको देखा
और जाने कहाँ से एक यादों की आंधी आई

आज छोटी का बढा interview है
काश वो यहाँ होते, आज आशीर्वाद ज़रूरी है...
उसने बढे सलीके से सलवटें हटाई
और अपने प्रतिबिम्ब से नज़रें मिलाई

उनकी शर्ट में बिल्कुल पापा जैसी लग रही थी
आज 'छोटी' थोड़ी बढ़ी लग रही थी...

2011: An Epilogue

The Year of Achievement

I was thousands of feet above the ground (flying to Goa),
I was a few feet below it (in the Goan sea),
I was shouting at the top of my voice (when India won the world cup),
and I was silent for three whole days (at Pachmarhi)

I travelled in a group (of 68 people to Rishikesh)
and I travelled alone (to Pachmarhi)
I laid my bum and didn't move it for hours (in Goa)
and I walked 21 kms (in Goverdhan)

I drove a dZire and a Xylo (both on the way to Goverdhan)
and I also drove a tractor (in Govedhan)
I crossed 130 km/hr (not in the tractor silly)
and I also drove more than 3,000 kms.

I was on a hill and I crossed a river
and I lived in a tent and won Rs. 250 for singing (Yeah me of all people!)
I worked on a farm
and I auditioned for a TV show

I started a web comic (Have you met the Chick and the Bitch?)
and the Planet of Sheer Awesomeness (with Ashu)
I cried so much with no places to cry
and I laughed so much I nearly died

I saw the world through rosy glasses
and I got grey-coloured lenses
I got to know new people
and I came to know myself....

I realized it was less about pictures and more about the experience - of being in the moment. And the biggest and most consistent lesson: When life throws lemons at you, you make lemonade. ... Loads of it! and also try posing for its advertising campaign! Because, when you are busy enjoying making the lemonade - life will salute your spirit and throw in free snacks ;)

The Year of Almost
In some respects, 2011 was also an 'almost' year.
I almost quit my job.
I almost saw Metallica performing live.
I almost deep-sea-dived.
... and I almost told someone I loved them.

Was very close to doing it, but didn't do it. Yeah... almost.

The Year of Finally
Finally closed down dad's business. Finally wept the last tears and finally have moved on. The path was long, it took three years to do this, but we made it. And made it like a boss.

On the professional front, 2011 was the most change I could have possibly seen at work. Everything changed, I mean everything - Work, boss, team, office - yes, everything. Though finally, I know now, I can live through any sort of change. It will turn out okay as long as I want it to turn out okay. So, to challenge myself, I changed everything once again. A new country awaits. Finally, getting over my fear of change.

A friend wrote: There is whirlwind of things happening around you all the time, and you talk fast and think fast and too much. But I suspect it is just the observer/listener that's confused in the end. You Know what you just said and it will make perfect sense if people waited to understand the logic.

Lastly I would like to remember 2011 with a compliment I received from my secret Santa in the office this year: To the happiest person I have ever seen, Merry Christmas.

..and when I stopped to look back
and reflect over the journey so far
I saw myself and what I have become
and knew it was was worth the pain, it was worth the scar

Chi-haan ya Chi-na?

Will you exchange a walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage? No? Ok!