The Wanderer

2011: An Epilogue

2012-01-06T21:55:00.003+05:30

The Year of Achievement

I was thousands of feet above the ground (flying to Goa),
I was a few feet below it (in the Goan sea),
I was shouting at the top of my voice (when India won the world cup),
and I was silent for three whole days (at Pachmarhi)

I travelled in a group (of 68 people to Rishikesh)
and I travelled alone (to Pachmarhi)
I laid my bum and didn't move it for hours (in Goa)
and I walked 21 kms (in Goverdhan)

I drove a dZire and a Xylo (both on the way to Goverdhan)
and I also drove a tractor (in Govedhan)
I crossed 130 km/hr (not in the tractor silly)
and I also drove more than 3,000 kms.

I was on a hill and I crossed a river
and I lived in a tent and won Rs. 250 for singing (Yeah me of all people!)
I worked on a farm
and I auditioned for a TV show

I started a web comic (Have you met the Chick and the Bitch?)
and the Planet of Sheer Awesomeness (with Ashu)
I cried so much with no places to cry
and I laughed so much I nearly died

I saw the world through rosy glasses
and I got grey-coloured lenses
I got to know new people
and I came to know myself....

I realized it was less about pictures and more about the experience - of being in the moment. And the biggest and most consistent lesson: When life throws lemons at you, you make lemonade. ... Loads of it! and also try posing for its advertising campaign! Because, when you are busy enjoying making the lemonade - life will salute your spirit and throw in free snacks ;)

The Year of Almost
In some respects, 2011 was also an 'almost' year.
I almost quit my job.
I almost saw Metallica performing live.
I almost deep-sea-dived.
... and I almost told someone I loved them.

Was very close to doing it, but didn't do it. Yeah... almost.

The Year of Finally
Finally closed down dad's business. Finally wept the last tears and finally have moved on. The path was long, it took three years to do this, but we made it. And made it like a boss.

On the professional front, 2011 was the most change I could have possibly seen at work. Everything changed, I mean everything - Work, boss, team, office - yes, everything. Though finally, I know now, I can live through any sort of change. It will turn out okay as long as I want it to turn out okay. So, to challenge myself, I changed everything once again. A new country awaits. Finally, getting over my fear of change.

A friend wrote: There is whirlwind of things happening around you all the time, and you talk fast and think fast and too much. But I suspect it is just the observer/listener that's confused in the end. You Know what you just said and it will make perfect sense if people waited to understand the logic.

Lastly I would like to remember 2011 with a compliment I received from my secret Santa in the office this year: To the happiest person I have ever seen, Merry Christmas.

..and when I stopped to look back
and reflect over the journey so far
I saw myself and what I have become
and knew it was was worth the pain, it was worth the scar

Chi-haan ya Chi-na?

2011-11-03T23:41:00.000+05:30

Will you exchange a walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage? No? Ok!

Closure II

2011-10-30T19:35:00.000+05:30

The End.
End of 28 years of existence,
End of 24 years of memories.
Little by little a cracked heart crumbles

The things he wouldn't let us touch now lay waste
as I turn my back to those good ol'days
The source of stickers on my school books
and of candy and computer games
The place where I learnt to drive
and the one where I got my first salary

What is this feeling that I can't name
It has eight parts of sadness
one part hope
hoping I'd learn to accept the change

You can't erase
You can't replace it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

Just a day when I...

2011-10-30T00:47:00.000+05:30

... am not looking forward to tomorrow at all.

If I could, fly away
Ooo and I wouldn't come back no more.
I, I'd turn around,
Just to see it the last time,
See, now I know
Hey, that it won't be easy
I done fought in a battle, and I done made it this far
I gotta few more feet, but its still the longest yard.

KC hai re

2011-10-24T23:44:00.000+05:30

Tu kaisi hai (Tu KC hai)
Tu din raat bhar soti hai, Tu kaisi hai (Tu KC hai) *a jhin jhin chuck*
Tu stage pe guitar bajati hai
tu logon ko jalati hai Tu kaisi hai (Tu KC hai)
[Censored lyrics involving sexy legs]
Tu kaisi hai (Tu KC hai)
Long legs baby - oh yeah!

... Written for Keshavi Sharma; Performed for the first time on 24/10/2011 at 1AM IST by the famous artists Angad and Nishi. Watch out for their next track: Nakad badhe shauk se, udhaar agle shauk se!

P.S. Happy Birthday Kappii!!

iScream

2011-10-18T21:51:00.004+05:30

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Just felt like shouting at the top of my voice. X(

Our deepest fear...

2011-10-14T09:59:00.002+05:30

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens
us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does
not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children
do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not
just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

Closure

2011-10-09T21:24:00.003+05:30

There is something heavy placed on my heart
I have tried to let it go, but have never known where to start...

so many years later your memories still haunt me
asking me their due, to do what you want me

so here I am packing up where you left
and pushing those bits further in to the depths

it is difficult to clear up after a storm passes
this hasn't been easy, not with the shards of glasses

the lanes, the tables, even the air reminds of you
of what you said you can and what you wouldn't do

the things you touched and the papers you arranged
the boxes you filled - Nothing much has changed

the trouble is,.. clearing it is as much pain as keeping it
and ignoring it is as much pain as seeing it

Then why keep it for so long? I hope I wasn't hoping that you'll come back
But you know how crazy I am.... I am crazy enough to do just that

Hence this is a closure of sorts to shut down the windows to the past
dealing with the memories and the shadows they cast....

So once and for all, I am throwing it all out
out goes the blood and tears go out

For one final time I'll face it, and then off from this shore
Something new hopefully will start with the old being no more.

One more thing...

2011-10-06T10:21:00.008+05:30

while the news and the internet talk about steve jobs's legacy and achievements, i want to write down about what he ~~meant~~ means to me. it may be superficial to some. but then i don't care.

it goes back to that decision to pick up computer science because of google apple and infosys. in retrospect it sounds foolish, naive may be. but this is how it is. years later when i saw the video of him launching the iphone, i like most of the consumers was enthralled by him. and while some may dismiss him as a shrewd marketer - that video meant much more. the conviction he had was dripping in every word he said. his arrogance and confidence were backed by a deep deep faith in his work. and stupid as it may sound, i have tried to work it into my worklife. if you are passionate about it, no matter how stupid and arrogant and perfectionist people may think of you, your work would bear results. you do stuff because you believe in it.... his passion, i can go on and on about it... but.. he is one person i feel has lived these words until the very end: Never Cared For What They Say.

next is about design. i am sure he had a huge team of designers to help him. but the sheer minimalism in the way he packaged himself and his products - wows you. nothing short. looking at the package you cant guess the complexity behind it. my love for design was fueled by the works of pixar and apple. i haven't put it to a commercial use yet - or may be i have. the numerous times when i have tried to visualize the written words into infographics in my deliverables at work. the need to say deeper things in simpler manner <- that came from him.

about sense of humour. class. class is the word. when pirates of the sillicon valley actor was on stage in the 1999 keynote, was it funny or what. the intro of the WWDC07. Humour is intelligence in the playground. that guy did it. Wit personified.

then about - and i can not summarise this part in words - about facing hardships. and while there is a lot i could talk about i want to write about the time i remember watching his 1997 keynote. to be able to face everyone, everyone who believes in you and tell them about the compromise with microsoft - the class, the cool and the conviction he demonstrated. phenomenal. i sometimes think if i was in his shoes, would i have been able to do it, face failures the way he did it. - whoa, i dont know. that guy, he knew whats important, he knew he had lost, he knew how to accept it, AND he knew how to move on. he just did it and never ever looked back. he earned respect not for how he won, but how he lost and came back again and again and again... and again.

he came back on stage in march 2011 to launch the ipad2. shrivelled up because of ill health but that passion dripping in everything he said. 'i couldn't stay back today.' - that drive comes not from money but from what you believe in. and that search to for the next best thing. of not being complacent in what you have achieved but to move on, find the next everest to conquer, the next moon to step on. just yesterday my boss and i were discussing of what was missing in the iphone4s launch - steve was and now he would always be.

it may be foolish, even ridiculous to be feeling sad and sentimental about this.... but i can't count the number of times i have looked at his life to make sense of mine. passion, perfection, creativity, originality - that's what he ~~meant~~ means to me.

So long, then. < poof! > *The Minister of Magic has left the building*

Just a day when I...

2011-10-04T23:54:00.001+05:30

... felt my blog is my only friend.

I am too demanding for the others. :(

Ah well... to you and me then bloggie. Thanks for listening - it was all I ever wanted.

Spark

2011-09-25T21:11:00.000+05:30

You would meet/speak with a lot of people because of gossip or to pass time. But those that you meet in knowledge - to share a passion, a creation or learn something new - those few would make you realise the value of the spark that exchanges between two minds. Over time you would realize that the latter are rare. Very rare.

And oh the pleasure, the pleasure of meeting someone who shares a common interest. Sometimes it also means, you are not the only one who is weird (o_0), who doesn't fit in anywhere. And two words... make the start of a friendship so, so easy: "You, too?" :-)

So cheers to you if I know you because you like any of the following things:
Books, music with good lyrics, witty jokes, poetry, comic strips, art, calligraphy, photography, traveling, driving, executing crazy ideas.
Intelligent, weird conversations about anything under the sun.
The capability of seeing things the way no one else sees - having that... that sight, that vision.

I am feeling lucky!

2011-09-21T23:48:00.000+05:30

A hug, a useful advice and a kick in the butt - Consider yourself lucky if you get these at the right place and at the right time!

Perfection

2011-09-07T01:47:00.000+05:30

Me: oye do you believe in the quarter life crisis thing?
Her: yup, to some extent yes

aren’t there so many changes in life

that’s the prime time of life

Me: but the fact that your ideologies go for a toss and sometimes u fall short of reason

for things u believed in ardently

you tend to think people have changed - but keep questioning - is it u or is it them..

Her:     sometimes... inevitable changes.. and no explanations and no reasons
Me:      you think I have changed? as a person u knew in college?
Her:     yes lot more grown up

Yup definitely yes

More mature

Me: = old?
Her: more stable with thoughts...

No not old.... always young at heart

Me: hmm. Honestly - I would trade maturity and stability for college life any day...but would it be as fruitful as these days are?...I don’t think so.

Her: neither me... that's d trade off between college life and life after that
Me: knowing that I can now make my own contribution to everything is different high

Yes... now I don’t just have opinions, I have experience to go with it

Her: Actually every phase has its own importance in life, but we never believe it and when we look back.... there so many sweet memories, and we wish back to go to that phase...

Me:      we like to live in the past or the future... present just doesn't seem good enough
Her:     exactly, totally agree. Isn't it the human instinct - always wishing for something else?
Me:      But perfection isn’t that demanding. It's just acceptance.
Her:     acceptance of?

Me: Acceptance of imperfections. Living with them, making the best of them - that's perfection. It is said if you add a drop of Ganga's water to a glass of tap water the whole glass becomes pure. Same is the case of perfection... You don't demand the water to be pure u make it pure by your presence.

Her:     words of wisdom!
Me:      wow. By the way, wow = words of wisdom
Her:     wow!

The idea is definitely good - it is exactly what I needed

Somehow u know everything, u just need a little help in reminding it to yourself?

Her:     hmmmm. ramayan se yaad aya- " hanuman ji too need to reminded of his powers
Me:      kab? when he wanted to cross ??
Her:     I don’t remember exactly.. perhaps yes
Me:      hmm. reminders.

कई दिन बाद

2011-09-01T00:33:00.001+05:30

आज कलम उठाई,
लिखने के लिए टटोली दिल की गहराई
सोचा ख्यालों के समंदर से कुछ बूँदें उठाऊँ
पर हर एक ने नज़रें चुराई...

ग़म तो कई है, पर ज़ख्म कुरेदने से क्या फायेदा
वो समां वो ज़िन्दगी कुछ और ही थी
वक़्त-बेवक्त
उस वक़्त को याद करने से क्या फायेदा?

समझने समझाने की बातों का मैं क्या करू?
यह बातें झूठी बातें है ... या नहीं ?
सही ग़लत में फर्क कैसे करू?

इस गज़ब दुनिया के किस्से क्या कहूं?
किस पर शक,
किस पर विशवास और किस से शिकवा करू?

रह गए तुम्हारे कुछ ख्याल
उनका सहारा मैं कैसे लूं?
कुछ शब्दों में
कई दिनों की मुस्कुराहट को कैसे गढू?

एक गुगुदी सी हंसी कोने में बैठी है
जिसे अलग रहने की आदत हो गयी है
कभी फुर्सत से मिलो तो उससे मिलवायेंगे
और तब तक अकेले ही चलते जायेंगे...

Another lame post about self improvement

2011-08-24T10:58:00.003+05:30

My experiments with people management - please do not read of you are not me.

As I have already mentioned (about a 100 times in the most boring manner) I think I suck at people management. (There I said it). To some people it comes naturally but to me its IS hard really hard to trust people with responsibility. Baljeet ma'am had once said that 'to see the good in others' is a great art. Well if its an art... I need to polish my skills at it.

Hence,

I decided to change few things (or was forced to given the circumstances and future prospects) because I think if I am to do anything beyond what I am doing now I need to grow up and let go (sound familiar eh.) So Dibs (who has recently started working) and I discussed few things and looked up the internet for some tips. I have since been trying to experiment with some of these tips.

Experiment 1: How to deal with another perfectionist? ;)
Over a call with a Japanese client (yes, Moshi Moshi wala), things were not so good and our supersmart salesperson is asking why certain things are not as the client expected. He is pissed as he has been trying to identify the problem and is losing patience.
I started out by agreeing with him and gradually told him the correct picture. Honestly, I was really frustrated at what he expected us to do and holding the frustration back over the call was an achievement in itself.
The salesguy translated and let the client know. Things went upwards from. Though this is not the good part.
The good part was that after the call I wrote an email to the sales guy saying that I appreciate his help with the translation over the call and his patience had increased the effectiveness of our communication manifold.

Sparks, lightening and thunder! The guy actually melted and wrote a whole paragraph about what he liked about our work!!! Haha! and this meant a lot! Coming from one of the toughest CEs to work with!

This stuff (tips) actually works!

Experiment 2: How to motivate people to work harder/be more productive?
So there is this talented young person in my team who had been .. what is the right word?... distracted from work a lot off late. The work/quality was suffering. And while I did want to tell him this, I didn't want to demotivate him. So, I took him aside and said that he is responsible for 1/3rd of the research piece and informed him of the timeline. I also said that he is responsible for training the new guy.

So he IMs me later and says he is happy we had the discussion and training new people is our collective responsibility. and in the end he finished in time even though with some help. It worked again!!

More to come! or as you are thinking Bore to come.

(To the non-working types and the rest of the world who isn't me, this would sound.. well.. boring or the work of an workoholic. But to be honest this is something I did wanted to change. Ghar pe shanti iske saath free free free ;) )

200 km/hr

2011-08-15T23:33:00.005+05:30

"Ah, here we are again." He said as the car moved down the Mayapuri flyover. "The Delhi policewallahs have nothing better to do. Must be checking these damn trucks again." Shruti looked at the trucks he pointed to on their left. The leftmost of the three lanes was choked with trucks. Cars were crawling around them.

"I don't understand, why do they have to do this on a Sunday. At this rate we won't even reach Punjabi Bagh by 9.30." The car hadn't moved in the past five minutes. Shruti looked at him, and then turned up the radio. "Rajesh, let's just wait in peace. It will move eventually..."

"Hmm," Rajesh was fidgeting with the channels. "By the way I was really happy to see that watch. I was pleasantly surprised, you know. I didn't think he'll be this mature and remember to get something for us. I expected him to spend it all on booz and party, to be honest", he said, talking about the watch his son Vishal had gifted him earlier that day. Vishal had received his first salary that week. "I am proud of him." Rajesh smiled at Shruti. The car gently moved forward.

"I am just happy to see him grow up. He is becoming so much more responsible." Shruti said, adjusting her pallu on her lap. The sari was Vishal's gift too. So much like you, Shruti murmered under her breath and looked at Rajesh again. Rajesh had always been particular about studies and basic discipline with the children. Probably one of the reasons why both their kids had excelled in their studies and otherwise.

The car inched forward. The trucks didn't seem to move at all. "By the way, what do you think we should buy Vishal this time?", Shruti asked.
"Well, you are the one who always spoil him with expensive gifts. I am sure you have something planned already like last year." Rajesh winked at Shruti. She was the softer one of the two. He loved the balance they created together and secretly thanked god for her.

The car graduated further, they could see a police line being stretched on the right side oh the road. "There must have been an accident" Shruti said.
"God, Look at this traffic! Why can't people drive more carefully?! I don't want to miss this party. Vishal said he had another surprise waiting for us," Rajesh said irritably. He maneuvered the car towards the left and picked up some pace.

The car crossed the police jeep. Shruti peeked over Rajesh to catch a glimpse of what had happened. Four policeman were busy at the scene, scurrying around with walkie-talkies in tow. As the car moved ahead, she caught sight of a bike leaning against the railing. A white piece of cloth was fluttering on the ground. A hand lay limp under it. A pool of blood had formed on its side. Shruti gasped, and pointed it to Rajesh.
"Crashed into the railing, my god! These irresponsible kids I tell you. They never learn. They drink and drive, and think they own the roads. Never think about the families that wait for them somewhere." Rajesh said as he gently stepped on the accelerator and drove away. " Ah, an open road after that jam, This is a blessing."
--------

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE IS NOT COMING?" Shruti shouted and grabbed the front of Rajesh's shirt. "Drunk..Alto.. near Mayapu-" Rajesh spluttered the words and stared at Shruti as he put the phone down. "It was - It was HIM!"

Opinions change at the speed of 200km/hr.

--------

P.S.(s): Alternative ending: Vishal killed someone... Read again?
Opinions change at the speed of 200km/hr :)

For what it was worth...

2011-08-11T16:07:00.006+05:30

So a very different kind of farewell today. In her goodbye email a juniour said this:

NA, you’re one PM I worked the most with. As I always say, I owe a lot of PPT skills to you. :) Thank you for all that you taught me, much appreciated!!! You’re a talented and a hard working girl, I am sure you’ll go a long way! Wish you all best in your career and otherwise as well.

I was writing a reply to her email when she left and since I have no means to say it anywhere, my dear old friend, my blog, comes in handy:

Hey,
Thank you for the kind words. You were the first person in my 'team' when I became a PM. So there was a lot to learn about what works with different kinds of people and what doesn't. Being good yourself is easy... Inspiring goodness in others is tough. This is what I wrote on FB during that time.
I definitely learned a lot (sometimes the hard way) about what professional relationships are about and what people look for in a mentor. A few months down the line you said: I want to say thanks to you N for helping me get better at this. And I wrote on FB: Job satisfaction: 1 mahine ki thakan aur frustration mita di, ek sentence ne. So all in all - have learnt a lot and passed on what i received (or atleast tried my best, ofcourse with mistakes). All the best....

May the best of your past be the worst of your future. Good Luck and be well.

A few things that I didn't want to say but I learnt were:

About the sheer diversity of people there ARE in the world. When we come from different worlds it IS really difficult... I mean , really difficult to understand each other. And for someone like me, who likes to live in her own one all the time..Boy was it a challenge!

About the different levels of friendship and friendliness: So far, it was 0 or 1. Friends or not friends. But in the workplace there is a NEED to have different levels of friendliness if not friends. So far I used to believe that I can be myself and if people do not understand it is there problem. But in an environment when you want people to work for you – you cannot kick over the beehive if you want the honey. Be friendly not friends.
Power distance is important.

And finally, even when you give your best, sometimes it is not enough - things just don't work out. It is okay. Some will understand. Some won’t. Just because some didn’t, don’t stop doing what you believe in because some will (lol). Still love training new people, still love learning and sharing. In the end it is about what you make of yourself. Becoming a good mentor.

...it was worth all the while.

One of those days...

2011-08-10T15:48:00.000+05:30

when I feel like one of god's favourite children :)

Baithe baithe problems getting solved :) solution khud chal ke mere pas aa rahe hai, haha! :D

2010

2011-08-09T23:56:00.000+05:30

The year is still new :) In the beginning of this year, I had intended to right a end-of-2010 post. Somehow, procastination got the better of me always. Publishing it finally.

A year of definite growing up, of surrenders, of responsibilities, of knowing I cannot do everything but I can do something, of trusting people, of getting to know people.

a year that taught me that it is the toughest times teach you the most. Well, if you knew how to handle them, they won't be tough you see. So cliched like hell but true like it too.

a year of meeting online friends offline and (unfortunately) meeting offline friends only online. Life's strange.

a year of hiding my head like an ostrich - in work.... a year of promotion.... oh well.

a year of confidence. I made one of the biggest (and possibly the stupidest) mistakes at work. It turns out I am getting better at handling disasters.

a year that said an argument doesn't need to ensue if you don't want it to.

a year when i learned that happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less. We like to think we'll be well alone. but on a lonely tuesday evening when even tears betray you, it's those people who would call you and tell you what a mess of a jerk you have been lately.

a year that made me feel stagnant - the scenery didn't change for a long while and I didn't feel like I moved at all. but I now know I have.

a year of trying really hard to lose weight and then losing some and the doc said you have gained some. lol. The fight just got harder.

a year of realizing again and again and again that voids are voids - they will remain there. a year of realizing that pain can bring you apart, but hope can pull you through. Because even though you may feel like you are dying inside, your heart is still beating.

a year of being stupid from the word go and really enjoy it.

a year that ended with me realizing that i had become the whiny little kid whose mom would drag her to the school called life. the kid who doesn't do the homework and says the teacher gave too much. Or who fails at a test saying it was out of course when in fact she didn't study for the exam.

a year of interesting firsts. A first interview, a first night out, a first project, a first prize.

All in all a mixed year. Just like how all the others are - mixed. Still confused, still fat, still a graduate. 2011 would a universe of possibilities.

And before I finish this, here is an yearly round-up using facebook and twitter status messages:

January 2010
#in2010 i am going to spend more time with myself.

perseverencem ev jayate!
written while working on the NASSCOM report.

is smiling the mischievous smile... lolz :)
you live only once :)
Sirprised GS :)

i wish i cud wake up one morning, feel lyk going to goa, and leave....fly... within less than 2 hours! now that would be freedom :)
That's on a to-do list

chilly delhi winter winds, 2 cups of piping hot tea, awesome street food, a best friend, undr a streetlight by the roadside @ 9 PM............ Reasons why life's good! :)

Feburary 2010

Just when you feel you are spiraling downwards, one of the eight would appear from nowhere :) thnks K, M, D, A, S, G, R and S! ... with you around.. ~I am always feeling lucky!~
That's what friends are for.

Not every rose has a thorn...
Its luck or may be life that lets us
Somehow discover a fragrance too pure to fade away...
However dire the straits might get,
Its time for us to celebrate that love, that life, that luck ...

Emotional fool.. hmm.. may be... but atleast am honest :P For what it was worth, it was worth all the while. :-(-: May your goodbyes be complete.
Rashi left. and then Kanika did and then Keshav did. Attachments..... archived. :D

Set these right: alarm clock, hair, expectations :) aur chill maro :P
becoming a PM.

March 2010

had the most weirdest day ever.. a doorstep library, a note on barista wall, a call from an old mentor, a crashed car, interviewing a senior for recruitment, figuring out where you have been and where to go, an empty cab, a lost symbol, an extra belated birthday gift, a dinner with friends, a walk in the cool breeze... what more can you possibly do in a day?!?
*That* kind of day.

Ek 1000 watt ki smile maaro... duniya apne aap achhi dikhegi :)
This Works.

zindagi rango ki jhadhi hai, keemti ek ek ghadhi hai, khud ko sambhal ghalib, kisko teri padhi hai?

[after 15 mins of chat] her: achha no discussions ryt nw...kal exam hai mera, thoda padh leti hoon Me: sure, ttyl her: ye discussn apne kabhi khatam nai honge, kal raat i slept fr one hr padhne k beech mein.. me: tu rehne de her: n sote sote paat nai hansraj ka strtin tym yaad aa gya tha me: abe padh le!! her: bas ek baat sunn le me: achha bata :D :D :D
Gol and Mal. (Me and malvika)

April 2010
You know what?? It's 3rd April again ;) ;) ;)
Those moments that make you smile whenever you think about them - no matter where you are or what you are doing - that's when you lived. :)

Every cigarette, every puff took a bit of my life away.
Smoke on! :P

May the new replace the old, may the joy overcome the pain I hold, may music fill the void punched in my heart, and return the warmth that had once gone cold...

May 2010
Thanks to office friends, schools friends, college friends, friends of friends, moms of friends, old friends, really old friends, never-met friends, far-away friends... hehe..awesome day! *big grin*
------
Mayank Girotra: Yaar sonal ke card pe toh kar diya, yeh Nishi ke card pe bhi draw kar de..dahlia tu karde.. Abhishek Chatterjee: Lao main karta hu...Arey meri drawing bahut achhi hai.. Mujhe digestive system banana ata hai (!!!!!) (almost) died of laughter today... awesome day!
You know you have lived, when you look at a photo and say.." Kya din tha yaar!!"
3 day birthday celebrations!!

June 2010
Survivor or a winner. What's it gonna be?
If it doesn't kill u, it'll only make u stronger.

I am afraid of it, but I am loving it :) :) :) Have waited so much for this, and now its really happening. Really Happyning :)
More PMing ;)

office ended early, weekend started early... buying mangoes, walking down an old street holding mom's pallu like I use to do when I was a kid... very relieving :) :) Koi tension nahin hai :)

July 2010
Whats a sureshot cure for a headche?
a. Disprin? No.
b. Head Massage? No.
c. Sleep? No.
d. Rain that soaks you to your bones? Hell yeah!!!

Some ppl wil get on your nerves. So build strong ones.

Its strange hw u think u'l achieve something and it'l make u happy and when u do get it u r stil waiting for d happiness part to arrive...
Missed dad.

is now a Senior Business Analyst at Evalueserve. :)

August 2010

Signs you are a workoholic: When you get free time in office, you have no idea what to do. 0_o . Really Bored

Signs you had a good time: all the people you love appear in your recent calls list =]

Har ek ki mati main thode se kankar.
Angad added: bhayankar. Bhayankar. bhayankar.

Being good yourself is easy.. Inspiring goodness in others is tough.
Ah, that phase when you learn this. You feel, I can do this in 10 hours why waste 15 in training someone else to do it. But that is not what you are paid for, now.

What all can you do in a weekend?
sleep late? ☑ yoga?☑ watch movie(s)?☑ chat with friend(s)?☑ long drive? ☑ eat streetfood? ☑ shopping? ☑ sketching? ☑ cooking?☑ picnic with friends? ☑ roam around lazily in pleasant weather? ☑ Finally click pictures and get into your dream home? ☑ dance in the rain after midnight? ☑ follow your curiosity and go to places u never planned? ☑ RECHARGE Yourself?? ☑☑☑!!

Irreversible reactions: A truly irreversible chemical reaction is usually achieved when one of the products exits the reacting system.

Fear is fear. Your reaction to it can become the story of your lifetime.

September 2010
Friend 1: Yaar, he is like Ross and he has a Rachel. I don't want to be Emily, if you know what I mean. Friend 2: Oh C'mon! He is Chandler, he has Jenice. Be the Monica!
Me: LMAO!!

N: Hi Mike, how are you? How's work?
M: I am good N. I am very good. How are you? Work has been great. I am working 18 hours a day these days.
N: So this one is really tough eh?
M: Yeah, you learn a lot more on a bad day. You can say I am learning a lot these days.
I am learning a lot these days.

Just heard that 3 days of effort has gone down the drain. And you know what? Now I am getting so used to it, I am not even disturbed by it. In fact, I already have the solution for it in place too. Jab itni aag bhujai hai, ek aur sahi. Kyunki (fire)fighter kabhi nahin harta. lol.

Elasticity for disaster expands with each one.

Murphy's law is a test of resilience.
Those days!

Some events in your life change you forever. For better or for worse that is your choice.

Job satisfaction: I want to say thanks to you nishi for helping me get better at this. :) :) :) 1 mahine ki thakan aur frustration mita di, ek sentence ne.

I asked why? My heart said because you want to. Madness - that's what it is. That's what it was. That's what it'll always be.
The answer to why go the extra mile?

October 2010

Keshavi Sharma: Sab teri wajah se hua hai! Me: Ja phir koi aur dhoondh le. Mere paas (MA)lvika (Malvika Gupta) hai. Mal are you there? (no reply) Lagta hai Mal chori ho gya.

First you make a choice and then the choice makes you...

Haven't waited for a Monday with such ardor before. Bhagwanji, yeh wala monday thodha jaldi bhej do, please :P
KV comes to delhi ;)

Life is not for the fainthearted.

Feeling like a PM for the first time in my life! Haven't done anything since mrning and going off to lunch already :p :p :p (outlook also crashed but thats besides d point)

It's good to have someone to talk to. But sometimes, you just need to hear yourself out, lose the argument and continue doing what you are supposed to do.

"Great! Brilliant that lady!" (It was never supposed to be easy. It was always supposed to be worth it.)
said this :) Remember your compliments.

November 2010
This Diwali, lets remember to go back to our roots and recall our forgotten traditions. Lets remember to trust each other, have faith in truth and goodness of a human being. Lets value those around us, and embark in sweet remembrance of those who are not. Lets shine our inner light and illuminate the world. Happy Diwali!

"In the end i am at war only with myself, and it seems like i am winning..." -adidas.

laugh when you want to cry,
don't slouch when you can hold your head high,
love life sooo much that it is forced to return it
and when you look back you can say 'I did it!' :)

We think, a soulmate, success, money, car and houses will bring us happiness, when really...... It's the other way around. Have a happy morning :)

Night: uncertain, ignorant, solitary, sinful, dark,eerie, gloomy, feared, unwanted,wanted, relieving, restful, comforting, dreamy, beautiful

wants to let the world know that today she saw it... her name on a NASSCOM report - right there in the acknowledgments. (yay!)

Everyone in this world is self centered, it is the radius that differs... via Siddhi

If you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it

December 2010
In life, unlike chess, the 'game' continues after checkmate.
Isaac Asimov

I dont know if you have noticed anything missing.. But am long gone baby and i was real quiet when i closed the door...

When you are running too fast, it takes time to slow down/stop. #LongDayAtWork #GyaniMeha
Awesome Cab Discussions!

Error! Memory full.

2011-06-29T01:47:00.000+05:30

Your memory card is not accessible because it is full. Please delete some files.

They have a way

2011-06-12T16:58:00.004+05:30

Somewhere, sometime when you are not looking, it will blindside you... creep up behind you and in low raspy voice say 'Boo!' right into your ear. You wonder what just happened and why are your eyes so full and the heart so empty?

It feels like watching a blot of black paint dissolve in a transparent glass of clear water. Little clouds of black engulfing the clarity. Slowly all you see is black. The clear water lost forever, as if it never existed.

It is like someone has pushed you into the cold dark corner of your heart that you had locked up ad swallowed the key, swearing you will never open again. And there you are sitting in it, watching 'alone' become 'lonely'.

You think you are running away from it. But you are only running deeper into them. Some memories haunt you. They have a way. They find a way.

If my life is for rent...

2011-06-08T12:58:00.003+05:30

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

(Lyrics of a Dido Song... Background music of my life these days.)

What I learnt in school today

2011-05-27T00:24:00.002+05:30

I was reminded once again that if we start focusing on why things can be done, they do get done.

The world tells us 1000 reasons why something can't be done. All you need to do is focus on that 1 reason why it can be done. Or may be there is no reason to believe it, yet you do it. First mover advantage! She said, abhi yeh mat socho yeh kaise hoga. Pehle yeh socho ki karna kya hai. Woh ho gaya, toh yeh bhi ho hi jayega.

I think experience sometimes is a hindrance - especially when it only tells you the limitations. Yes, being real is important. But the enthusiasm, the lets-try-this attitude of a fresher - nothing beats it.

Don't burn your enthusiasm so soon, don't be cynical about things and especially don't give up on yourself and others. Yes, it broke your heart, yes you burnt your fingers... haan thodha dard hua, par chalta hai!

Because only ashes were left when that fire was gone.

57

2011-05-16T00:16:00.003+05:30

Na jaane kis des kis gali
Ho yahan, ya tum nahin?
Hote se lagte ho..
par ho nahin

Jahan ho, na jane kaise ho?
Par yaad ho...
Hum bhule nahin

Sab theek hai
aur hai nahin
Par tum saath ho
....ya shayad nahin

ek aah hai
har raah main
aur ek gum hai
har chaah main...

girte hai, phisalte hai
sambhalte hai, Sambhaalte hai
dukhta hai kabhi kabhi
rundhta hai gala
rukte hai...par phir badhte hai
thakte hai, par phir ladhte hai

par khush rehte hai
aur chalte jaate hai
aur jaise tumne bataya tha
waqt ke saath dhalte jaate hai

P.S.: Happy Birthday Dad!

Let's not look back

2011-05-07T16:58:00.000+05:30

No. It wasn't a thud.
It didn't drop.
It didn't shatter.
It wasn't glass.
But now, does it matter?

It was rock. Rock solid.
It withered away.
The rain eroded
and the wind rubbed it.
Took a lot of time... you noted?

Good while they were
In cardboxes they lie
Memories all packed
Its tough.
But let's not look back.

How to make a good weekend?

2011-04-24T23:39:00.004+05:30

If it isn't too much of an effort, please read this in British accent ;)

A weekend, is a grand 2-course and sometimes 3-course stress-buster that helps you swallow the 5-day bitter medicine called the weekdays.

Total time: 2-3 days

Preparation time: Think on your feet!
Refrigeration time: Freeze it with pictures as you go!
Cooking time: Go with the flow!

Difficulty: Easy.. Verrray Easy!

Ingredients:

1 weekend: preferably a 3-day weekend, however, since these are scarce, you can use a 2-day weekend too.
1 car: any car with an air conditioner and a music system would do. If you don't have access to one, involve a friend who has one or make us of the metro. If you don't live in Delhi, well too bad.. you gotta make do with public transport.
1 Forgetful friend(s): Forgetful people are abundant. Forgetful friends, however, are not. Pick one whose company you like. I ordered mine from Mumbai.
1 Cafe: I prefer using Barista, especially the one in Kamla Nagar. You can use any, but make sure you like the place. Cha Baar is a good escape too.
1 guitar: Live music is just what you need. If you have one that is shaped like a cup of coffee and has the third string missing - nothing like it.
A pocketful of cash, if you don't have one, rely on your friend ;)
A bookstore.
An ounce of brain and kilos of no-brainer jokes.
A pinch of summer and sunscreen and shades to taste

Recipe:

Take your 3-day weekend, and slice it into three usable pieces for your 3-course stress buster. Make sure these are washed with care to drain all grainy sands of the weekday.

Friday Highday!
1. Stuff your beloved car with your favorite music, and refill the tank till the needle swings to full. Seatbelt up if required (read: you see a traffic mamu).
2. Drive from West to South Delhi and pick up your favorite forgetful friend. Try and head towards North Delhi.
3. Drive responsibly, but chatter incessantly. Drizzle the conversation with updates on crushes, sprinkle with assorted jokes and let it reminisce in old memories.
4. Once you realize you are lost, take a U-turn and decide to stick to the Ring Road. And while you do that stir up a pot of thought: Why do two, otherwise normal, mature women, Always get lost on the way and enjoy it so much.
5. Take the long road to North Delhi. Let the beauty of a wide empty road, the music and the laughter pour on you.
WARNING: You will notice a signboard asking you to turn left for India Gate emerge after every 2-3 k.m. Don't let any such board confuse you. Delhi gol hai. India Gate beech main hi rahega. Keep heading straight on the ring road, call a few friends en route to ensure you are heading in the right direction.
6. In a cozy cafe, mix more conversation with, green apple iced tea, jokes and watch people play a mug shaped guitar. Topics for conversation can be: Jimi Jimi Jimi, aja aja aja (referring to Jimi Hendrix), Learn Punjabi in a month, a guitar shaped pen drive, a purple scarf etc.
7. Head back South again to home made Pasta and a game of badminton with your cousins.

You just made yourself a Friday Highday!
Recommendation: Let the conversation brew at Keventor's before shifting to Barista and don't hesitate to buy that cute button from the roadside thelas.

Saturday Betterday

1. Figure out a totally random place to visit on the face of Delhi's map. Then refuse to follow the directions on the map. Once again take a your beloved car and head south. Keep on heading south, till you feel that if you went anymore South you'll reach North soon. Enjoy the drive.
2. Return to West around midday and reheat your your lunch plan with friends. Head West to the new Pacific Mall and have a great lunch with great office friends, though avoid the great movie they are gonna watch.
3. Decide to check out the 'few' stores at this new hut and wander around to your heart's delight. Lifestyle, Mango, Kazo are a few good ones to be in.
4. Get a call from your friend who asks you to meet in North Delhi. Without much negotiation, you decide to meet in the Centre. Head to Fabindia to check out the summer collection. Post which you head towards CP.
5. Run out of battery. Call friend 2 to call friend 1 to meet you near the Nirulas express at Rajiv Chowk - all from a stranger' phone. When you meet there, head to Barakhamba and then to the Statesman house.
6. Enter the world of books and tea - Cha Baar and Oxford bookstore. Don't believe your luck when it says 'Sale' everywhere and register yourself for the Book Lover's club. Order 'Karma' and 'Organic Nilgiri' - love the karma, hate the nilgiri - and leaf through books - on astrology, biographies, spirituality, tantric sex, fiction, non-fiction. Decide to mail the book on Kamasutra to your friend on her birthday, get her thrown out of her house for it and offer her to stay with you in Delhi. Laugh secretly at your evil plan.
7. Buy the recycle bag.

If your betterday still isn't cooked - go get slushed with cold coffee and maggi dinner at home!

Sunday Fundae
1. Sleep.
2. Read.
3. Sleep.
4. Wake up late. Like really late. Clean up the house at make mom happy.
5. Watch Robert Patinson starer Remember Me. For the nth time.
5. Meet another friend in the evening at Jwala Heri. SHOP! for Kurtas. Hang around for juice. Chat over an ice cream. and the cherry on the Fundae? - Get a sweet discount deal on the Kurtas!

Love what you read? Now Try it yourself!

A little something II

2011-04-24T11:43:00.002+05:30

This isn't in continuation of the first part, but connected somehow. Read Part I here.

There are few people in your life that you trust more than you trust your own self. Your parents teachers, older members of the family, your mentors at work, in life. The people you turn to for advice when all else fails. They form the very basis of your belief system. You believe in certain things because they believed in it. You can trust their judgment because of what it is - it is Their judgment.

However.

Over the past week I have realized that few of these people that you put on a higher pedestal will eventually step down. You will or at least I have realized, that they are going through an evolution as you are. They may be fighting different wars, but they are still fighting them. And their judgment and decisions can go wrong as well. Sometimes the things they will say or do will NOT be in sync with what is right *. (This is a little more menacing for those (like me) who depend on others for certain decisions.) But this is okay. Because in the end, its is only you (and your god if you believe in one) who is going to be by your side through thick and through thin.

Men may come and men may go, but I go on forever.

So. I realize that: These few people cannot be right or wrong always. You have to learn to make use of your own judgment. Establish your own beliefs. Be ready to be proved wrong. And when you are, be ready to mend. Modify certain parts of it, polish the others and rearrange it. And again - be ready to be proved wrong.

*Come to think of it what is right? This reminds me of that scene from the movie Akhiri Rasta - The father writes 6 on the palm of his hand and shows it to his son, who standing on the opposite side sees a 9. The father says that if I ask you what you see, you'll say 9 and I'll say 6. Both of us are correct but you are free to believe that I am wrong and so am I. .... That's the point right. Sometimes, we just need to agree to disagree. Accept that choice will be right or wrong based on the point of view it is seen in. And may be there is no need to classify everything as right or wrong. There are gray areas, and we can let them be.

Hi5 anyone?

2011-04-10T06:30:00.000+05:30

I wanted to write a post about how rocking the World Cup night was. But this is more important.

I don't even know what I want. I have absolutely NO freakin idea of what I want to do with my life. I am always confused, I am always questioning my choices, I am always worried. Hell, I am worried about 'being worried'. I want to be one thing today and another tomorrow. I am afraid or skeptical or hardly EVER looking forward to what is to come. I just want to hold on to the good things that have happened. Because that's something no one can take away from me. BUT even after all this, even after whatever the f has happened, whatever has come so far... I AM ROCKINGGG ITTT!! Hell yeah!!! I have more often, than not, done things I would have never imagined I'll do. I have made friends I didn't knew I'll make. I have made through crazy work I didn't think I'll do. I have done it.

And YES I worry. Yes I have loads of gyan to give/take. Yes I feel guilty of not being able to apply this gyan to when it is really required. But I am trying to and it is making me who I am!!

And I got not one but three compliments these past weeks - dependable, patient and funny - from three different people. And since these didn't come from my best friends I would like to believe them to be true (afterthought lol anyone?). So way past all the crap that I feel about not being able to make the most of it or not being sure of what I want. I am just feeling awesome about ME Today. Ok, more than a fat than what I'd like, but I am working on it.

If you are reading this, have a drink on me. Because I am living it! Not my dream. But something beyond it. Something I haven't even dreamt of!

I never got to where I wanted to go. But I always got a great story. (HIMYM)

Kya swad hai zindagi main!

2011-03-30T23:33:00.001+05:30

Feel like dancing like that cadbury girl!!! Lol !!

What a taste life has ;)

Nain Sukh Prapti

2011-03-21T00:19:00.004+05:30

P.S.: For non-Hindi Speakers, the title translated in English would be: Gaining happiness through the eyes [lol, it sounds equally cheesy in Hindi too]

An Internal Contradiction

2011-03-20T02:40:00.011+05:30

People, after much deliberation, I give you:

"The Chick and The Bitch"
An Eternal Contradiction

(A webcomic-of-sorts. Well. Laughter is not expected as much as amusement is... so Stick Around! The idea evolved from me talking to myself, and pushing and pulling certain thoughts out of shape by over-thinking. Let's see how this goes. Following is just the genesis. The story begins a little later this week. Feedback is welcome!)

P.S.: I do not promise regular updates. Expect it when the chick's thinking again and the bitch is in the mood to contradict (which is pretty often).

P.S. 2: Erm, as you can see, I didn't want to use the profane word, but.. erm.. the other options didn't appeal as much (or illustrated the theme as such).

If you love me

2011-03-16T16:57:00.001+05:30

If you love me
please know it’s a tough phase for me
wait for me while I deal with this mess
stand by me when I do so
bare with me when I rant about it
tell me I can do it when I can't think so

If you love me
treat me to chocolates and coffee
come with me on our evening walks
Make me laugh like you always do
And know that the things I tease you for
are the ones that draw me to you

If you love me
take me on a long drive with our favorite music
sing along and don't react when you notice me looking at you ;)
(okay smile may be, I’d love it)

If you love me
keep tabs on me... be interested in the details
call me back later if we have to cut short
sometimes... remember what I say
I'd love it if you do

If you love me
Ask me to walk when you know I have been running long
Ask me to stay when you know I want to flee
Don't ask me to stop thinking
Because.. you know.. that wouldn't be me

If you love me
gently tuck my hair behind my ear
and give me the most precious thing you have - your smile –
which is so much more audible than your laughter

If you love me
know that my sitting in silence next to you
is something I had been dreaming off
Don't worry I am not sad or bored, I just want to be there with you
Words will come when they are required
meanwhile let me just sit and stare at you
absorb every detail...

If you love me
tell me about your childhood
tell me about why you have that scar on your hand
tell me about your habits - you inspire with some and make me laugh at the others

tell me silly stories and tell me serious ones
and the ones where you lost and the ones where you won
tell me who you are and where you are from
tell me what you like and what you don't

If you love me
trust me
with your thoughts and disappointments and dreams...
know that you can depend on me and
I'll be by your side before you even ask me

If you love me
make me a part of you, your life, your problems and solutions
because you would be of mine...
because in me you will find:
the one you have been waiting for so long
and all the ones you didn't expect to come along ;)

P.S.: Based on an idea from Ashu's post 'Love me, but with care'.

When does alone equal lonely?

2011-03-15T23:50:00.000+05:30

When you are alone and you are blaming yourself for a situation... and you cannot even enjoy your own company.

Vice President of Trouble Shooting

2011-03-14T23:59:00.000+05:30

So.
- My boss of 2.5 years, who has been my mentor, is leaving the team.
- My team is disintegrating into 2 parts. With the part to which I belong moving to a team which already has 4 managers.
- I am moving into a role I have been avoiding for 2.5 years. And I am still apprehensive about it.
- The account that I have worked on for the past 6 months is being passed on to another Manager.
- The worst part is, that all of this is happening at a time when we are at the peak of utilization and revenue.

My usual initial reaction should have been OMG! But surprisingly, this time, for a change (pun intended), I was not worried. I somehow knew that if I have to leave this harbour, I WILL find another one. I just know that after having been through so many disasters and tough situations, I'll see through this one as well. I am ready for the next big bomb blast. [I picture myself as one of those cartoons that swallow a bomb, but nothing happens to them except a burp. That's where I am at.] Yes I assure you that I'll crib about it being tough but I 'KNOW' I'll be better past it. Expanding the comfort zone - that's how I see it. Now.

So cheers! Cheers to the change. Cheers to being worried all the time, yet being able to exceed expectations. Cheers to think I'll not be able to do it and then being able to do it. Cheers to the confusions, the turmoil, that makes us who we are! Cheers to the constant flurry of things and bomb blasts that keep happening around me, that tell me - Your are alive! Cheers to living!

Oh and btw, here is a conversation I am pretty proud of that happened today:
My Manager who is in Netherlands currently pings me:
A: Hi Nishi, What is the status of request 1, 2 and 3?
N: All 3 delivered. Working on the 4th.
A: there is a 4th?
N: Yes, have replied to the client and will send it in 2 hours.
A: Wow. What about L (another account)?
N: Yeah, just finished following up with the analysts. All on track except one. Have given feedback to all. Will deliver by 17.
A: You are becoming superhuman or is my watch going slow?
N: *bows* I am super human. Always was. :)

[This is followed by loads of smirks on my face. Of course I need to say no to the workload sometime soon. But hey - the feeling of achievement of having things completed is awesome - that's a big high. Really big. Who says I can't get high without getting stoned. ]

P.S.: I like the phrase Trouble shooting. Is 'trouble' shooting or being shot at?
P.S. 2: Proud of another line a friend wrote for me: There is whirlwind of things happening around you all the time, and you talk fast and think fast and too much. But I suspect it is just the observer/listener that's confused in the end. You Know what you just said and it will make perfect sense if people waited to understand the logic.
P.S. 3: Yes I am in a little show-off mood today. It's kind of an anti-climax mood, given the office politics. But this is the thing.
P.S.4: This is kind of the permanent expression on my face these days: Confusion, Surprise, Sarcasm, Amusement.

That's how we do it

2011-03-13T13:05:00.005+05:30

(It's Friday, I suddenly meet my boss's ex-boss in the hallway. He was the guy I said all sorts of things to when the company revoked transport last December.)

Me: Hi PP! How are you?

PP: Hi N! I am fine how have you been? How's the new project?

Me: Am well, work's pretty good. I think we are gonna make this a big one.

PP: Sounds Good. So your transport issue is resolved?

Me (thinking): Now, You don't want to have this conversation now. Trust me."

Me (out loud): No. No it isn't. The cab is disintegrating starting 1st of April. One of the cabmates is getting married and shifting to Pitampura. *Makes a straight face*

Me (thinking again): What? Did you expect me to say, it's all going fine and walk away? *rolls eyes*

PP: Oh. Oh that sounds bad. What are you doing about it? Have you found -

Me (I cut in): I am gonna crib out it. *nods head* Yes, that's what I am gonna do *nods head and smile* That's easy right?

PP (now laughing heartily): hahahaha. hmm.

Me (thinking): Ok. I have put him in a tight spot again. lol.

Me (out loud): And then I'll go look for some solution. That's how it work's right?

PP (still laughing): That's the way it should be *nodding head*.

Me : * smiles and starts to walk away* Yeah that's how it's gonna be.

PP (walking away, calls out): Good Luck!

Me: *looks back and shrugs* Thanks!

(Later)
I narrate the incident to one of my cabmates. We laugh and then she adds: "Hmm. Come to think of it, this is how it always is. There is always a solution."

There are a few things in life

2011-03-06T23:46:00.003+05:30

that money can't buy...

...for everything else there is MasterCard.

But 'everything else' just doesn't matter as much... :|

A photo from a friend's wedding. I have been looking at it for months. Makes me miss dad a lot - knowing that I'll never have this moment.

Hurt?

2011-03-03T21:32:00.001+05:30

BK Ma'am said: "Most people have someone they need to please - a boss, a wife, a gf/bf, parents, friends - and in the process of doing so they will hurt you. It's okay. It's reality. You just don't be one of them."

Connect the dots

2011-02-17T11:17:00.003+05:30

Yesterday was one of those days when I just wanted to be alone, skipped office, switched off the phone and just slept to my heart's desire. And ofcourse watched some movies (I forward and watch only the good parts), rested my tired back and that bump on the eyelid I am sporting these days (Wiki telles me it called a stye).

And how can I forget my favourite pastime - thinking. Analysis is more than an occupational hazard now. Khair. Chetan Bhagat's logic in his book 2 states was this: He wanted to be a writer and in the meanwhile he wanted a high-paying job. So when asked which company he'd join he said WPM - Whoever pays more. .... I got my mid-year review the day before and I was told that while am a good analyst I should now start thinking about growing the business rather than just delivering. They are right - I should be doing it. But really - am I ever gonna be able to do it? ergh. It's frustrating. Very frustrating. I know I chose it but still I am going to crib about it.
Everytime something new starts, the first reaction is whoa - Change, i don't like it.
I'll see you through.

On another note, I also got a call from an old friend who recently launched her chocolate boutique in the middle of Kamla Nagar and wants me to join as the 'gift wrapper'. Wow. My dream job (my own trousseau and crafts store). But won't pay as much as this one. Of course I can do it as a side one now and make it full-time when it pays as much. It definitely sounds exciting.

One lifetime is not enough for the infinite lives I want to live.

A little something

2011-02-11T15:39:00.002+05:30

I realized today, that when I first meet people, I put them on a higher pedestal than myself. It may be a case of low self-esteem (and I blame my weight for it) (erm.. Did anyone notice what I just did, oh well.)

When I meet a good-looking girl for instance I have this feeling that she is way better than me. When I get to know more about my seniors in the team and the kind of things they have done, my first reaction is “Wow!” and the second is “Will I ever be able to do it?”. Somehow their achievements become a burden on our conversations. I feel shy/stupid to speak my mind assuming that he or she would know way better. And this shy/vulnerable side tells me to run from them or not share my thoughts openly with them.... (Wow, this is amazing – after all the years of ‘Never cared for they say’ I am actually writing this.)

Now, gradually I realize that they are just normal people, who normally get angry like I do, act foolish like I do. They are not as super-humn as they appear to be and, well, they are great not because they wanted to be great, they just did what came to them. “Greatness”, if any, is a byproduct of their actions/experience.

Being bogged down by others' achievements and thinking I not good enough has acted as a barrier to actually getting to know these people. Over my recent trip I realized that they are well-natured normal, really just normal people – with a pretty face or a hefty degree sometimes – but decidedly normal. And I can Be normal with them too. *Breathes*

Nobody knows

2011-02-03T10:56:00.001+05:30

I think about the last time I saw you... ALL the time.

I have a picture of you I took on that trip. No one knows there is one. I look at it occasionally and think - What if I could have stopped you from going? When I heard you coughing, why didn't I turn and saw you one more time? Why didn't you stop when you said you won't go?

There are many other pictures from that trip that came out well. I don't want to click anymore because of it.

I don't believe in Vaishno Devi anymore. And when people tell me about there trips, I imagine the same things could happen to them and secretly pray it is not tragic for them. When people give me 'prasad' from Vaishno Devi, I throw it in the closest dustbin.

On another note, people tell me that Dadi and Baba prayed a lot to the Devi to have you. She died years ago and all these years you were here to take care of Baba. Baba died in 2008. You left exactly 362 days later. People say you were here for your parents. (Who is here for me?) And Devi took you back in her lap and that this is the best possible 'exit' anyone could have from the circle of life and death. Moksha. Nirvana. So I shouldn't be angry with the Devi. Still she and I are not on speaking terms.

I have a picture of you in my office desk in the second drawer from the top, under the paper laid at the bottom of it. Sometime I forget that it is there - but other times it is a way of knowing you are around me. It's a little comforting.

I ask for your permission more often now, than I used to earlier. Somehow, it was easier to be a rebellion when you were around. The other day, at Sonam's place, both she and Divya drank wine - as much as I wanted to - I did not even touch it. In fact I got up saying that I am feeling out of place and I left while the only thought in my mind was what you will think.

I once saw you or I think I saw you standing among the crowd watching me. It's hard to make peace with knowing it isn't you. It can't be. This has happened twice.

Saw a friend crying on her dad's shoulder after the wedding, at the time of bidai. The moment is etched in my mind - knowing that I'll never have this moment.

Relax!

2011-01-31T00:55:00.002+05:30

Sometimes we raise the bar of our happiness so high that we never get happy. Relax.. people have been happy for a lot less.

I have grown-up now, silly

2011-01-23T10:32:00.007+05:30

An innocent smile
lost.
lost in a sea of people

the spark in the eyes
dimmed.
dimmed by the haze of lost dreams

cheerful, beautiful eyes
darkened.

darkened by a void gouged by destiny

disheveled hair
straightened.
Straightened by the complex ways of the world

a sense of wonder
answered.
Answered by the curt 'no's from people

the cute dimple on the cheeks
filled.
filled with worries, nostalgia and a pinch of hurt

the air of happiness
replaced.
Replaced by blooms of gloom

When did coke get replaced by screw-driver?
When did she lose her ringing laughter?
When did she stop writing?
I think right after she stopped listening
to the silly teen-aged girl.

Inspired from a picture I saw on fb and a line of Ashu's latest post.

World's a fractal

2011-01-16T15:12:00.001+05:30

Parts of it resemble the complete design. Its like that poem "To see the world in a grain of sand and eternity in an hour etc. etc..".

Had a pretty interesting discussion today around the habits associated with directions and disha pranams.

The Hypothesis: Each direction is associated with certain traits - good and bad. North is associated with ego, self-centered-ness, anger and arrogance. East is associated with attachment and resistance to change. South is associated with desire - both physical and mental, while West is associated with gluttony and greed.

Come to think of it, it is true in so many cases. It may just be a coincidence - but it seems to be true nonetheless.
1. Human Body: North has the brain - the storehouse of arrogance, ego and anger. South has the genitals - the desire. East has the heart - the bearer of attachment. West has the liver - the sponsor of digestion.

2.Take India for example. Eastern India is the least developed or changed with the times and people there generally stick to their traditions with great ardor. North Indians by nature are short fuse -angered easily- we like to show-off a little too much. West India is the hub of business and money. Gujjus make the best businessmen and I can just go on and about how much a gujju is in love with food. South India has given us Silk Smitha way before Rakhi Sawant striked. Love scenes have been common in Mollywood before they entered Hindi movies. Intelligence - thirst for knowledge is also pretty noticeable in southern India.

3. Europe for instance. Western Europe is way more forward than eastern is. Southern Europe has Spain and Italy. South of France is know for its ability to fulfill all types of human desires. North European - well they don't want to be interested in a lot of stuff happening around the world.

4. The World: Eastern Hemisphere has stuck to its traditions and culture - It has bee slow to change. Conservatives. Western Hemisphere is the leader in business and paradise for gluttons. South: How many of us haven't desired the desirable Latinos and North, well what can I say, most of the human population is above the equator - and egoists we are.

Coincidence may be an explanation. It's a really good coincidence then.

Lies and Liabilities

2010-12-29T09:16:00.003+05:30

The times of bullshit
Early morning in the cab, and this is what I read 'SC woman judge lists daughters as ‘liabilities’ '. The lady has declared 'two daughters to be married' as a liability. She didn't say the daughter is a liability, she said the burden of marriage and dowry is. And isn't that true? I mean who are we fooling? India has probably the world's largest middle class population. After paying for the kids' (both boys and girls) education, car, home, food, gas, phone, Petrol, festivals, relatives - if a middle class person is worried about her daughter's marriage - is it really as obnoxious as the media is portraying it to be?

And isn't it quite true? My family has been looking for a groom for my sister and lo and behold - haven't we seen so many jerks asking for exorbitant dowry. And if it isn't dowry, they'd want a 'lavish' wedding at a farmhouse or a Deepali/Kwatra tent house. The bare minimums would come in close to 10-15 lacs. Lavish means over the roof. Instead of preaching 'don't think of your daughters as a liability' they should probably preach 'don't think of your son as a golden goose' and may be then it'll be easier to list daughters as assets.

Yes I earn, and I probably earn more than certain sons do, I have studied well and if not extraordinary I have done okay for myself and my family. But does that mean when I get married, it won't cost money? It's one of the prime stresses and if you already know you are not one but three sisters, it's enough to to cause hairfall. Not getting married is an even worse situation. Get a loan to get your daughter married - and pay it back later - that sounds a way out to me. Oh, but obviously once the daughter is married the additional earning source shifts base too - paradox, no?

Yes, even after all my contemporary education and being 'forward' - there have been numerous times when I have been made to wish that I was a boy. This is one of those. Heck that six inches gives so much freedom to the person as well as the families, I say!
...
Us, women, we like to be lied to and be told that we aren't a liability and then we are made to feel so by the society (NOT family) everyday. I love the way you lie.

Just for now

2010-12-15T23:57:00.006+05:30

Just for now
don't ask me how
don't ask me why
just hold my hand
and walk under the evening sky

Yeah the world's been a little too bad lately
but you are gonna be fine
and you don't know it yet
But I am secretly on your side

Leave your worries behind
and stop turning
Stop by here instead, and over a coffee
tell me what's burning?

I don't know if
this is what you wanted
or that what you need
but just know that there is a friend indeed

And I won't judge or be mean
maybe crack a few jokes if you'd allow
But it'll be a little relief
... Just for now

I know I won't get you out of it
No.. I won't
But I am here if you need me
and not if you don't

Written right after watching 'The Holiday' (the nth time). Also seen here is my favorite line from Boston Legal.

Celebration

2010-12-06T19:52:00.001+05:30

We sat at the table together. You calm and under-control as you always are and I excited as any other day when I am with you. Its an anniversary. I stare at the tempting cake. A women looks at our table smilingly. You get your hand around my shoulders, hold the knife with me...

...and blow the candles off on my 8th birthday cake. Thanks daddy!

P.S.: Inspired from this picture I saw on fb a few weeks ago. The idea of a twist in tale is kinda old though.

Break ke Dauran II

2010-12-05T00:40:00.004+05:30

Mom: Kyaa kar rahi hai? Itni der se awaaz de rahi hu..
Me: Kuch likh rahi hu, bas khatam ho gya... ek minute main aayi.
Mom: Kya likha hai? Kuch mujhe bhi suna de.
Me: (awkward pause) er..well... ok..
(I read out something )
Mom: yeh toh bahut achha hai, kissi magazine main kyun nahin bhejti?

(I looked at her and managed a smile. My heart was grinning end to end.)
--------------

The first time I seriously 'wrote' something was about 5 and a half years ago. Mom told me today that I write well.

Nothing else matters.

P.S.: Also, interesting is how the value of a parent's opinion of you changes with age.

Break ke Dauran

2010-12-03T19:41:00.012+05:30

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head

So. I heard too many lectures from too many people that I should get a life away from work. I did have it, but wasn't quite living it too well. Heck, all work meant my GK level going down (1 discussion, 2 seriously foolish answers => Start reading the newspaper again baby!) and me turning super worried, super dumb and the kind of person I sweared I won't be.
And I don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead

A short 9-day sabbatical from work and I am back. The challenge, however, is to keep being me when I am working. And I realized that following are the top 5 time-wasters I indulge (indulged) in that ate most of my free time and didn't leave anything to spend on the things that mattered:

1. Facebook: Oh well, what were you expecting? Had to top the list, in fact, it has the potential of being the only one on the list, but wait I have got more.
2. Listing-type blogs: 50-creative-ads - there goes your half an hour.
3. Youtube: I solemnly swear I was up to no good.. ever *winks*
4. Star World: Re-Runs ran away with a lot of time. And, yes, its loads of stuff to 'discuss' but there is a line I need to draw in my sketchbook.. so limiting it.
5. Brooding: over the past, over the present, over the future, over spilled milk, over a lost opportunity, over work.

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on.
... So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?

Solutions Solutions!:
These are not oh-my-god-why-didn't-I think-of-it solutions. Simple things that worked for me:
Woke up this mornin' feelin' fine
There's somethin' special on my mind

1. No FB/twitter updates until it says 'updated a week ago' under my last update - Simple reminder yet Very effective.
Success rate: Moderate to High. Even if I don't really stick to the regime (yeah well, need to get over the addiction) atleast I resist the temptation to post anything there. This helps in three ways:
a. I don't get 'comments' on it so no future waste of time.
b. I don't post my thoughts instantaneously which gives me time to think in detail and if all goes well I can blog about it. That implies CPR to my ~~drain~~ ..er..blog. (Won't be a drain anymore.)
c. Significant reduction in urge to check fb on my mobile => Significant stability in my mobile's balance.

2. Save the URLs or mark for viewing later. For email forwards and listing type blogs I told my self that I'll view it later. And more often than not - I lost interest 'later'.
Success Rate: Very high (for me). May be because I have an undiagnosed ADD. Well whatever, works for me.

3. Er.. Well.. in honest, simple words: If you Are thinking of Saving time. You wouldn't go back there. I made a list of 41 things (it kept on growing over the week) I decided I wanted to do. In the words of A.A. Milne: When free-time, goto list ;)
The list included simple stuff such as watching Social Network and buying an NSC to difficult ones such as joining the gym (oh yeah baby, back at it in full swing.)
Success Rate: As I write this, 32 of the 41 things have reached completion and said a loud No to youtube. So that's a high. Very high \m/.

4. I have asked a friend to give me the entire seasons of FRIENDS, HIMYM, Kyle XY and Lie to Me etc. Since i HAVE them now. The urge to see them on tv reduces. I can watch it at any time. Success Rate: Moderate to High. Well, kinda skewed logic. But again, works for me.

5. People just tell me to stop thinking. No one says how. Here is the 3 'how-to's' I figured:
a. STOP listening to sad/brooding songs: This led me to look for happy songs. This led me to realize I gotta let go of a LOT of my favorite songs. This led me to realize that I can 'try' disassociating myself from songs (which I realized later is not possible for me, they still affect me). So deleted lot of 'seemingly-good' music from my phone.
It's hard to let you go.
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie

Success Rate: Very high. In fact I am back to the I-feel-like-dancing/talking mood. My mom is happy as I am back to talking to her in depth. (Good moods are contagious). Have restarted meeting people offline. Have restarted pulling some serious legs. Well - some bad pjs are gonna make there way back here.

b. Write it somewhere: That's like baap of all cliches, but seriously write it off. Makes thinking easier. And when I re-read some stuff, it makes me realize the flaw in my thought process (oh yeah it does). And I realized, I don't really have to 'share' all thoughts with friends (even close ones) and hence I get the privacy and vent while they get freedom from the dull and boring me. (Well this doesn't mean no 'thoughtful' discussions with friends. Hell no. This means no repeated 'thoughtful' discussions. (btw if you know me you'll know 'repeated' here implies atleast 15-20))
Corollary: Read the stuff you wrote somewhere. Old posts for example. I read this, this and this lately.)

Success Rate: Moderate to high. Haven't bored my friends by talking about my crushes repeatedly. (Oh and crushing makes you write weird stuff in a diary...lol.) That's a start. And workplace venting has boiled down to nothing. In fact, as I jot things down, I get more ideas to write about later. Pirogresss, I say!

c. Restarted reading newspaper: Self-absorbed. That's one word that described my thought process off late. Realized that not reading the newspaper (for like 4 months until before this week) actually helped in remaining self-absorbed. So, to not be self-absorbed, be aware of whats happening around you - read the newspaper and I don't mean just the movie section. (Oh this will help in giving not-so-dumb-answers too.)
Success Rate: Moderate. To be properly tested next week actually.

P.S.: They say - 'We have had many first days.' Well, knowing myself I preempted that as well. So I have tried and tested the above more than twice or thrice this week.

Somethin' tells me I'm into something good.

Fireflies

2010-12-03T09:11:00.004+05:30

I don't promise to see you through it
And I won't be here when the day dawns
I won't be here when darkness surrounds
or when it is difficult to move on...

But I promise,
my presence would be like the fireflies
Won't be able to light up the darkness
But will bring a smile among doubts and lies...

Inspired from 'Fireflies' Oil on Canvas by Prenita Dutt @ Open Palm Court IHC (On till 6th December)

Ravine

2010-11-30T22:21:00.007+05:30

In the cracks of my mind
and in the crevices of my memories
lie places where I have been
and the places where I could be

Where the cracks end
is the beginning of me
and if the ending was any different
I would be you
and you would be me

Inspired by 'Ravine' - an ink on paper artwork by Gautam Bhatia at Triveni Kala Sangam (on till 9th Dec).

Thinking about you

2010-11-16T11:41:00.001+05:30

Every day, I have thought about you only twice...

...Evertime I breathed in and every time I breathed out.

P.S.: These lines have been roaming in my head for too long. Inspired from one of Ashu's poems. Tried putting it in my version of 'If you love me' but oh well that has to wait some more ;)

What will I do without you?

2010-10-26T09:32:00.003+05:30

I think I'll slowly rot. Then the salty water would dry. Then I'll disappear inch by inch. Then my heart would become weak. My blood would be less red. My mind would be clouded. And by then if I don't go insane, I think I'll follow you and try to die.

If I don't die or if people won't let me die I'll run away from people and lock myself up in your house and touch the things that once belonged to you - and I'll remember how we argued over them. I'll stop eating because I used to wait for you to eat before I would. Everything would be pointless - the Diwali lights - who needs them? They won't light up the darkness.

I'll miss you waking me up at 5 am for morning tea. I'll miss you massaging my feet when I was in pain. I'll wait for you to buy me a saree because I have never worn anything anyone else bought me. I'll miss you telling me - Tu sochti bahut hai. Fikar mat kar, maine sab soch rakha hai.

I'll wake up every morning at 5 and roam around our house looking for you - knowing completely well its been 630 days since you have gone. And I'll worry endlessly about what did I do to make you go away. I'll worry about everything you left behind and everything you did not.
You used to say, "dekh ek din chala jaauga toh khub yaad karegi." And when we used to fight and you would say main chala jaunga... why, why for even one minute why did I think I would be able to live without you. I guess, at that time, when you said you'll never come back - you didn't mean it, did you?

But now I know what never is. Never means that no matter what I think say or do - I'll never hear you. I'll never hear you shouting. I'll never hear you teasing me. I'll never hear you making plans for going out that would irritate me. I wouldn't see you driving off to office. I will never cook for you. Oh what I wouldn't do to have you come back, if only you would.

What will I do without you? I wouldn't live anymore, I'll just exist.

Loved Ones...

2010-10-24T03:44:00.001+05:30

When tears trickle down their face
They look for comfort and you are there
Not knowing what to say or do ,
Makes it hard and sad for you.

You try to put their smile back on
Wish their troubles would soon be gone
And when u see them crying still ,
You feel helpless,disappointed in urself

They hold you tight and just won't stop
You ask them why, what happened, whats wrong
And let them know you are there for them
But it makes them cry even harder still.

No matter how much you try to hold your tears
No matter how much you try to show you are strong
You forget, the bond is just so strong,
And a small one rolls down your own.

You hug each other
and exchange smiles.
Nothing feels more important.
Anything, for even a faint smile.

Sourced from KV's Blog.

सुना?

2010-10-10T01:47:00.000+05:30

आज फिर अल्विदा कहा है,
शांत है, अकेली है रात,
पर कल सुबह जब जागोगे,
सूरज की हर किरण कहेगी मेरे दिल की बात

धूप बढ़ेगी तो इसका एहसास और बढ़ेगा,
और शाम को हज़ारों रंगों से फिर सुनना,
हल्का सा झोंखा मुझे छूकर तुम तक जायेगा,
उसके स्पर्श, उसके एहसास मैं मुझे ढूंढना

जब तारे भी वही बोले तो समझना मैं ही थी
सांस थामे रात सन्नाटे में खङी थी
फिर जब तुम्हारा दिल दोहराया वही लफ्ज़
तो सपनों में मिलना, तुम्हारे इंतज़ार में मैं वही थी ...

Drift

2010-10-07T01:28:00.003+05:30

It was different then. I was bold. I didn't care what (any of) you think. Now I think I do. I want to empty my head once again.

Just-a-graduate

2010-10-05T22:32:00.007+05:30

Me (to an interviewee who is a MS in IT from a US university): Do you intend to pursue MBA or any other higher studies in the future?
Interviewee: I want to pursue Ph.D. someday. I really want to get into research.
Me thinking: What??? business research aint related to Ph.D. in anyway except the ambiguous word "Research". Have you read the job description?
Me out loud: OK. and why is that?
Interviewee: I think just being a graduate today is..urm.. bad education...
Me thinking: Heyyy! I am 'just-a-graduate' too crazy woman!
Interviewee: ... I think people serious about there careers would think about higher studies.

(I shoot a look at my manager, catch a smirk there.)

I was dejected. She was rejected. (grr and lol respectively :P)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How this girl(the interviewee) would hope she hadn't said it; How this girl(me) hopes she hadn't said it. :|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

~~P.S: FYI she also didn't know many answers which led to the eventual rejection. The above scene was hardly the reason for it. Its just the unknowing statement she made that made me put this up.~~
Me thinking: Since when did I start explaining my posts trying to be politically correct?

I am a loser.

2010-10-02T11:31:00.003+05:30

.
I am losing...
... weight!

Yipeeeee!!

P.S.1: 7 kgs in 2 months, baby. Have a drink on me ;)
P.S.2: No VLCC, no crash diets - pure hardwork and determination... I am loving it :)

I think I'm ready

2010-09-30T15:34:00.000+05:30

You can let go now daddy
You can let go
Oh I think I'm ready to do this on my own
It's still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I'll be okay now daddy
You can let go...

(Crystal Shawanda - You can let go)
I too died that day... and then I was sent back to do this. I think I'm ready

I am working on it.

2010-09-29T10:28:00.000+05:30

As I get older I will be stronger.

You know what am I working towards? That one day tragedies, setbacks and mishaps won't shake me, my confidence, my faith. Yes, they would test them, but I'll pass that test - without fail.

It won't be easy. It'll be worth it.
For sure.

This part of my life is called 'Deciding'

2010-09-24T23:24:00.007+05:30

Whenever I will look back to this part of my life, here are a few things I'll always remember:

1. When you don't have anything, you work hard to get it or create. Can't go on complaining - doesn't help. Gotta trust yourself that you'll be able to do it. And yes you'll be able to do it.
- You'll never have a team of star analysts to work for you. You gotta make star analyst out of people.

2. It is not about what you didn't have. It's about what you did with what you had. Make the best of it. Do a rocking job - ki jab socho iske baare main - you say - yaar kaam woh kiya tha.. kya kaam kiya tha.. phodh dala..lol Seriously, itna mast kaam kiya ki kya batau... uske baad log kya kehte hai i don't care.. I know I did it to the best of my capabilities.

I remember my first performance evaluation at EVS:
N: So Nishi, what do you think your rating is on this one?
Me: N I know it was one of my best works. Even if you give me a 4 - I don't care - I know I did my best. There is nothing more I could have done. I feel like a winner even before you say it.

3. Being good is easy. Inspiring goodness in others is tough. Job satisfaction: I want to say thanks to you nishi for helping me get better at this. :) :) :) 1 mahine ki thakan aur frustration mita di, ek sentence ne.

4. That night when C was really really pissed with us. I had made up my mind. And I told her: What we can't do, we can't do. What we can do, none can do it better than us. Make only a few rules and stick to them.

5.When the going gets tough, the tough become super human and get going - even if alone, even if beaten, even if broken. Keep going. When no one joins you, don't bother, WALK ALONE. Ekla chaalo re... (Source: From an elder brother, I thought I never had.)

6. I asked why? My heart said because you want to. Madness - that's what it is. That's what it was. That's what it'll always be.

7. Some events in your life change you forever. For better or for worse that is your choice.

8. Who says god doesn't exist? It does when someone calls u suddenly when u are at your lowest, when your friends tell you things you wish you heard everyday and things you need to hear everyday, when you know it'll be all okay :)

9. One day it'll all make sense... Till den enjoy d confusion!

10.Murphy's law is a test of resilience.

11. Just heard that 3 days of effort has gone down the drain. And you know what? Now I am getting so used to it, I am not even disturbed by it. In fact, I already have the solution for it in place too. Jab itni aag bhujai hai, ek aur sahi. Kyunki (fire)fighter kabhi nahin harta. lol.

12. Elasticity for disaster expands with each one.

13. Whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it is really important that you do it, because no one else will. - M.K. Gandhi

14. N: Hi Mike, how are you? How's work?
M: I am good N. I am very good. How are you? Work has been great. I am working 18 hours a day these days.
N: So this one is really tough eh?
M: Yeah, you learn a lot more on a bad day. You can say I am learning a lot these days.
...I am learning a lot these days.

15. Choices: Agent Smith: ... You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?
Neo: Because I choose too.

16. A bigger problem is waiting... ... to bring out the best (that you didn't know you had) in you.

17. Fear is fear. But your reaction to it can become the story of your lifetime.

18. Everything is possible.The impossible just takes longer.

19.When you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true.

20. Even Sachin Tendulkar has to prove himself at every match. What are you made of?

the 'something' she looked for everywhere
was to be found only in this place
her heart had always carried
her quantum of solace....

Wednesday morning blues

2010-09-15T10:09:00.002+05:30

roz maala khul ke bikharti hai, woh roz moti samet-ti hai, phir ghabrati hai, phir himmat karti hai, kuch dur chalti hai, phir bikhar jaati hai.....

Yeh aansun bhi saaley dhokebaaz nikle, ankhon ko jab tab chhodh ke, gaalon se sajish karke tapak jatey... kehtey hai ankhon se beh kar dil halka kar rahe hai

aur yeh dil kamina kam hai kya, jitna marzi samjhaon, humesha ulte paon ulti disha main hi bhagta hai.

~frustrated~
and
~tired~

Fikar

2010-09-14T00:14:00.002+05:30

Beta, sab theek toh hai na? Itni der kyun ho rahi hai aajkal?

Kaam samajh toh aa raha haina?

Yeh le 20 rupaye, chocolate le aana.

Nahin, tu hi chal. Teri choice achhi hai.

Kya hua, kuch nahin hua. Sab theek hai. Tu fikar mat kar main hu na.

But it rained.

2010-09-07T02:05:00.002+05:30

This is about those who are left behind..

Wrapped in a polythene, tucked away safe in my mind,
a little goodbye, maybe, or just a passing smile,
the clouds are all beside me to see me through all the good times,
maybe he'll come back again, make up for the forsaken time.

Well does life get any better
more yesterday than today,
How I thought the sun would shine tomorrow,

But it rained...

- Parikrama

You. Me. We used to be.

2010-09-04T23:15:00.006+05:30

Yes I did.
Yes I did try it.
Yes, I did try saying it.
You pretend to forget so easily.
You pretend to forget.
You pretend.

I stopped.
I stopped hoping.
I stopped hoping you'd say it.
It hurts me to say it.
It hurts me to say.
It hurts me.
It hurts.

Night fades.
Night fades away.
Night fades away, but memories still stay.
We used to be there for us.
We used to be there.
We used to be.

P.S.: A little idea implemented in 5-7 mins. Playing with sentence lengths and meanings.

Choices

2010-08-31T00:13:00.000+05:30

It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It does not sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.

- Shantaram

If I could script a day in my life

2010-08-27T09:59:00.004+05:30

oh what I wouldn't give away to have you come back.

Nothing else.

May be. May be not.

2010-08-26T23:45:00.002+05:30

Senior analyst at 23... Probably the youngest sr. analyst in the company. I used to think of it as an achievement. Now am not so sure. I should have taken my time in growing up. Do an mba may b. Why grow up so fast? Is it a curse? Maybe. Maybe not.

Winner

2010-08-22T00:30:00.001+05:30

The thought was born from a conversation, not out of vanity

When you look at me,
why do you only see the crown?
and not the sweat and blood
in which my soul drowns?

You see the accolades
and say a winner was born overnight
you overlook the fears and desires
that try to hold me tight....

yes, opportunities have closed doors on me
and I have been on the edge and back...
but all that disappeared in the dust behind me
as I have neared the end of the track.

One day I'll live in a home like this.

2010-08-22T00:26:00.003+05:30

Ever since I started working in Gurgaon, this is the one ~~house~~ home, that would always catch my attention when my cab crossed it. It was a love at first sight :). I always thought one day I'll click pictures and keep them as reference for the future. But, well, never got a chance to get off the cab, until......... today :) :) :)

The thing I like about this place is its naturalness. Its not very grand. No huge balconies, no big iron gates, no overuse of shape. It's cozy, it's artistic. It's well-thought. It's romantic :)

I talked to the owner and he let me in and check out the interiors too. You wouldn't believe me when I say, that it looked exactly the way I had always imagined it to be. It had skylights, it had a small drawing room that opened in to the lawn, it had a dining table right in front of a kitchen, a double story gallery on the inside. It was like this little haven, every nook and corner of which said: 'the people who live here have been in love with life and its beauty :)'

I asked him who the architect was and if I could get his contact. He said, he found about him just the way I did, by asking a home-owner who designed theirs. That is it. That is how an artist should be recognised - through his work :) And this artist had said too much through his work.

The place is dreamy. Comfortable. The kind you' enjoy each day of the year. It looks like a result of hardwork, lot of thought and tons of love packed in 360 sq. ft.

And like the owner rightfully said: 'This kind of home cannot be bought, it can only be made.'

If I were

2010-07-27T21:35:00.003+05:30

Felt like posting something: here's a tag I saw at J’s

If I were a month, I’d be September (I love the near end of rains and the beginning of winters)

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday baby!

If I were a time of day, I’d be 6 pm – time to begin enjoyment (go out, walk, talk ;))

If I were a season, I’d be the monsoon. (The Wait. The Longing. The Arrival. The Smiles. The Fun.)

If I were a planet, I’d be Saturn (It has a different ring to it.)

If I were a sea animal, I’d be an electric eel :P

If I were a direction, I’d be North-West. (That’s where the wind lives)

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a massage chair. Lol. (Comforting ;) )

If I were a liquid, I’d be honey ;)

If I were a tool, I’d be a paint brush.

If I were an element, I’d be Sodium (Na = my initials )

If I were a gemstone, I’d be a painite (It’s rare)

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a Violin (Difficult but worth the effort ;) )

If I were a color, i’d be green!

If I were an emotion, I’d be surprise.

If I were a fruit, I’d be an orange.

If I were a sound, I’d be the sound of rain falling.

If I were a car, I’d be a RR Phantom.

If I were food, I’d be HCF.

If I were a taste, I’d be sour.

If I were a bird, I’d be a Weaver.

And if I were you, I’d leave a comment!

Q: Sup? A. This is:

2010-07-20T00:10:00.004+05:30

I read some of my old posts. And I know there is a huge difference in the way I right. Khair.

It is strange how you receive hypocrisy from one person and you feel the entire world is a hypocrite. Do you feel the same when you receive love from someone?

Loner-NotSoLoner-Loner - Uh oh! Off late either I have been really busy or I have been very bored alone. I miss you KV. The remaning janta in Delhi is no good *sniff*. Nobody wants to watch Inception with me :( other college friends. Well they are in their MBA and MCA colleges. I don't relate to them when they sulk about professors and colleges. They don't relate to me when I sulk about EVS transport or working hours. I don't feel lke calling any of them. They are all speaking french. I wish I knew french. I wish I could go to a PG college. Khair.
[hmm... I never thought I'd say that about college friends. Workoholic in the making.]

I am one of those crazy control freaks. Lol. Erm. maybe not crazy but yeah perfectionist you can call me. I am finding it really difficult to let go my work. I feel the new people won't do as much justice to it as I would. But i gotta let them be. Somebody had let me be too. Or may be its the old case of change again. If I let go of analystgiri I have to take up different responsibilities - get out of a comfort zone. duh! I waited for this so long. And I feel am skeptical about it.

The best thig about a writer's club meet is that people are having fun discussing ideas and thoughts without liqour and smoke. That's my kinda fun. Hate the office parties. Simply hate them. Moreover good friends have left EVS and the remaning ..well.. all the more reasons not to go there.

Facebook is becoming the showcase of people's lives. Including mine. So I agree facebook is the only remaning link between me and my college friends. But itnaaaa?

Watched Hum Aapke hai Kaun and DDLJ recently. Even though overacting was clearly visible... Still love the magnificence of the sets that actually looked like sets. Simplicity of these movies and the songs.. *sigh* Love the mandolins :)

I am *trying* to read Atlus Shrugged. [stop rolling eyes]

I am listening to Naav from Udaan. Kya gana hai!

Building a rapport with new juniors is.. umm... is difficult. I want them to have fun and make the most of the initial days. I like joking with them. But I want them to take me seriously too. I dont want run after them like warden but I want to motivate/inspire them to work just the same. Relationship building is definitely an 'area of development' for me. Why doesn't life come with a 'How-to-use' guide?

there is so much more... till the next time. gnyt!

Ryting

2010-07-05T00:31:00.004+05:30

So you turn up at a writer's meet, unprepared: not a pen, not a paper, not a thought...you didn't expect yourself to go. There, the odd group comprises of people almost your age presenting their works with such ardour.. some of them have even books published...you feel stupid for having brought nothing, then the beloved vodafone (and its dog-like network) totally fails you.. and u feel even more stupid, huh! what were you thinking?

now you knw that they'll know you are such a show off, trying to read your blog on your cellphone..huh who does that??

Well then a friend offers help, Google bothers to care and you find your blog on its cache... you didn't expect that either. No one visits your blog, you Know that. You stopped writing a while back and all you publish now is what you write in your office cab. So why is your blog cached anyway?

So you select one of your hindi poems. One of your works where you put in Some thought atleast. Slightly nervous but sure. You read it out loud...and look up out of the corner of your eye. Oh please I hope it wasn't that bad. And surprise! People are clapping! Can you believe it?

And then you realize, its Barista once again. Apparently, lately all good things have happened to you in a Barista. Then you also realize what a gathering - a juniour from college, a school friend and a blogger friend. World shrinking? And at different times during the event each of them tells you to write. Signs?

So that is the story behind me updating my blog with nothing but a line (or a few):

I now remember who I was
maverick, crazy and lost
I used to spin my world with words
and thoughts flew everywhere like birds
yes - I am going back to following my heart
and thankfully I know where to start.

P.S.: Might not mean much to the reader (if there are any), but I have integrated my past with my present. The old blog's post are now published on this blog too. 82 posts. 821 comments. It was a good part of my life.

Welcome me back ;)

2010-06-20T21:22:00.001+05:30

The road is empty
the heart has a void
eyes have tears
joy devoid

anxious mornings
restless nights
its getting tougher
for her to hold on tight

confused thoughts
lack of decisions
er........

I just want to say
that you are missed
every second of the day

A Beautiful Poem...

2010-06-19T12:55:00.004+05:30

Koi deewana kehta hai, koi paagal samajhta hai
magar dharti ki bechaini, ko bas badal samajhta hai
main tujhse dur kaisa hoon, tu mujhse door kaisi hai
yeh tera dil samajhta hai, ya mera dil samajhta hai

ki mohabbat ek ehsaanson ki, ek paawan si kahani hai
kabhi kabira deewana tha, kabhi meera deewani hai
yahan sab log kehte hai, meri aankhon main aasun hai
jo tu samjhe toh moti hai, na samjhe toh paani hai...

samander peer ka aander hai, lekin ro nahi sakta
ye aansu pyar ka moti hai, isko kho nahi sakta
meri chahat ko dulhan tu bana lena magar sun le
jo mera ho nahi paya wo tera ho nahi sakta

bhavar koi kumudani par machal baitha to hungama
hamare dil mein koi khawab pal baitha to hungama
aabhi tak doob kar sunte the sab kissa mohhabat ka
mein kisse ko hakikat mein badal baitha to hungama

P.S.: Not original.. read on the internet...

Let Go

2010-06-04T14:39:00.000+05:30

Even though you are the one I believe
can bring me back
from the darkness where I hide
If you want... I'll let you go

I think I never had you in the first place
but you had me completely...
doing nothing yet making me smile
as if am on the brink of insanity

The wind beneath my wings
is flirting with a new shore
but I just gotta drift away
a distortioned reality ... but love this is...

Am sure
letting go would not be easy
but to see you smile and wave at me
would be a relief
to know atleast you are happy

So good luck my love
may today be the dawn of all your dreams
as you turn them in to reality..

Though, as I let you go...
a strong part of me leaves today
but I think I'll go look for some strength
until then I'll live with you in my mind

I hope our paths cross one last time
and then may they never separate
meanwhile, a little pain is fine
as for you, eternal happiness awaits...

Straightening out

2010-05-27T01:30:00.007+05:30

I like to be honest about my feelings. It makes people think I am immature or weak. But I am not. I want them to know what I feel for them. They'll not be around for long.

I am not afraid of being honest about my feelings. Even though it puts me in trouble so many times. I think I have been honest with all my closest people. And when I feel they don't appreciate all the honesty, I mute, I drift.

Sometime back I started hiding my feelings. It is the 'mature' way of doing things you see. I was also afraid of getting hurt. I chose slow death.

It was very killing. I stopped. I restarted being honest. Restarted hating hypocrisy. You can again look through me. And if I can't, I'll not look through you.

I wont force myself to be what I am not. I am breaking my habit.

You know what?

2010-05-26T22:46:00.003+05:30

Accuse me
Forgive me

forget me
remember me

lose me
love me

hate me
ignore me

try me
test me

hold me
let go of me

berate me
underestimate me

But you know what?
I, I, oh, I'm still alive.

Zindagi hai Chhoti, har pal main khush raho!

2010-04-17T23:02:00.001+05:30

Office me khush raho, ghar mein khush raho...

Aaj paneer nahi hai, dal mein hi khush raho...

Aaj gym jane ka samay nahi, do kadam chal ke hi khush raho...

Aaj Dosto ka sath nahi, TV dekh ke hi khush raho...

Ghar ja nahi sakte to phone kar ke hi khush raho...

Aaj koi naraaz hai, uske iss andaz mein bhi khush raho...

Jise dekh nahi sakte uski awaz mein hi khush raho...

Jise paa nahi sakte uski yaad mein hi khush raho

Laptop na mila to kya, Desktop mein hi khush raho...

Bita hua kal ja chuka hai, usse meethi yaadein hai, unme hi khush raho...

aane wale pal ka pata nahi... sapno mein hi khush raho...

Haste haste ye pal bitaenge, aaj mein hi khush raho

Zindagi hai choti, har pal mein khush raho...

(From an email forward)

I Like

2010-04-17T02:06:00.000+05:30

the loneliness in the crowd,
the silence inside when I am loud

the street that knows me
the rain that soaks me

the first bite of chocolate
and the last bite of the lunch ;)

the warmth of your hand
when its cold outside
the cool of your head
when mine is heated inside

the rush of getting late
and then reaching on time
chhole kulche for lunch in an auto:)
your song's last line

giving Christina, Avril and Amy
the best competition by far
by singing at the top of my voice
in my gulabo..er.. car

walking down the street
with a cellphone in my hand
the floating feeling you get
when the plane is about to land

shopping for unusual things
giving surprises to my friends
cracking PJs in a group chat
winter and the chills it sends

standing alone on the terrace
with my pen and a piece of paper
my 50-shade box of pastels
drawing some beautiful eyes

the raindrops on my window
the sun rising far away
and the light breeze that
takes my worries away

Penseive - Part II

2010-04-02T23:44:00.002+05:30

A random collection of things I have been thinking... for long.

Has it ever happened to you when you are really focusing on the computer screen that your point of focus shifts to a couple of inches in front of it and some random scene from your life plays in front of you. Something you have been avoiding. Something you really want. Something you regret, Something you cherish. Dazed is the word I guess. (and that's the time I need another cup of tea.)
~~~~~~~~~~

Just when you thought you have the most troubled existence of all the people you know. Someone tells you what happened to them and you realize you are way better than them. Sadness is relative I guess. Happiness is absolute.
~~~~~~~~~~

Just when you thought this is the worst possible day of the world, you receive a card from a beloved teacher and you realize that someone up above is...no... not looking after you...STARING after you..That's a miracle.
~~~~~~~~~~

Loo..oong ago when I had seen the movie Bruce Almighty for the first time, this is the scene that has always remain etched in my mind. I like this part so much I have it recorded on my computer. This is the best scene from the best movie I ever saw. Following is the transcript:

(God (Morgan Freeman) has granted Bruce (Jim Carrey) all his powers and went on a vacation. Bruce gets tons and tons of prayers everyday. He has said yes to everyone. Result ? Utter chaos alll around. Now he has come to meet God to seek help. They both have just finished mopping the floor.)

Bruce : (looks around) Its good. Its GOOOD.
God : Its a wonderful thing. No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
Bruce : But they are so many.. I just gave them all they want.
God : Yeah.. But since when does anyone have a clue of what they want?
Bruce :(Pauses) So what do I do?
God: Parting your soup isn't a miracle Bruce, its a magic trick. A single mom shuffles two jobs who still finds time to take her kid to a soccer practice, thats a miracle. A teenager says no to drugs and yes to education, thats a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is.. they have the power. You want to see a miracle son? Be the miracle.
(A whilte light lights up in the ceiling. God starts to climb up the ladder.)

Bruce : Wait! Are you leaving?
God : Yeah.. I think you can handle things now.
Bruce : But what if I need you, what if I've questions?
God : (laughs) Thats the problem Bruce, thats everybody's problem. You keep looking up.
~~~~~~~~~

What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.
~~~~~~~~~

It is possible to cry without being heard, without being seen, without being felt and without being missed.
~~~~~~~~~

Whoever said that the first impression was the last impression never really looked again. ;) People are so much more beautiful on the inside than what they show.

Aadhi si baat...

2010-04-02T23:30:00.001+05:30

" Achha suno, ismain battery kam hai. Toh main rakhta hoon."
...
"Haan aaj raat ko kaam karte karte do baj jayenge...hmm.. chalo main rakhta hoon"
...
"ar...arey.. acha sunao..."
...
"acha chalo gudnyt"
...
"dil se gud night... ab hume toh itna hi aata hai, tum saamne hoti toh baat aur thi...
...
"emmm.. nahin"
...
"arey mujhe nahin aata"
...
"milke bataunga.. gud nyt"

Yeh jo mohobbat hai...

2010-03-23T23:15:00.001+05:30

Yeah this sure is a weird way to start but what the heck.

One of the relationships that I had the opportunity to closely observe, saw weird turns this year, finally ending in the usual we-are-just-friends story. Hmm. Love. That's love? You don't understand what the other said for 3 weeks and you give up? Your mother didn't understand what you said for the first 2 years.

Maybe your love is different from my mine. May be I am too unpractical, too idealistic or too optimistic. But it has sailed me through. My love? My love is freedom that binds two hearts together. You don't have to tolerate, compromise or even try. Love.. well I think it just makes one plus one, one. It's like that comfortable feeling you get when you face the world, that if you fall, you'll fall in somebody's arms. ... and words..well yes a chatterbox like myself agrees.. love doesn't need words. It's when the guy is too shy to say it and looks away. It's when the friend lectures and scolds and then winks that says it all. It's when you look into her eyes and see yourself. Love doesn't need that person to be around you all the time, because its as if they never left. The thoughts, the magic still linger...

My love is not judgmental. It doesn't expect anyone to change, because they are like two piece of a puzzle that fit so well together forming their own design :) You think that the other is too rude/dominant? Bhai maal pasand karne se pehle sochna tha!!!... you liked it then, h/she didn't change..u did.

Pyar rahe unke liye, jo dhoondhe woh unko mile :)

May love be meant for those... who have looked for it. Amen.

P.S.: Love is divine. Pyar divya hai :)

The thing I have realized...

2010-03-07T21:20:00.004+05:30

... is that if there is even one person who is ready to help you improve yourself for no ulterior motive of his/her own... then consider yourself lucky.

Seriously.

----------

After graduation when I stepped in to a world outside my own, I was amazed by its ways. And the most drastic difference I noticed was that people don't care. They simply don't care about what is happening to you, what troubles you are facing and what you can do to get over it.

There are no guiding signs. No posts. Nobody to give directions.

I felt as if I was blindfolded and left in the unknown, to experience and to feel the world on my own. And I did. And I fell. A couple of times.

But gradually you find your way around. And you realize, people won't help you get up. Rather, you need to open you eyes. Wide. And observe them. Observe what they do. Watch and learn.

And then if you are lucky, you will find those one or two people who are willing to answer your silly questions. Who are willing to tell you what you said wrong and how you could have improved it. While the Others - they won't react as much as a twitch and leave you wondering if you were right or wrong.

Remember the days when we used to sing "Never care for what they say.".. well it turns out they don't say anything. "They" have their families and their jobs to worry about. WHY in the world will they give you enough importance to SAY anything about you. (Hillarious piece of thought but yes it crossed my mind.)

So anyway, getting back to the point. If anyone points out a couple of ways to do it better. Listen. Learn. And feel lucky.

Feel blessed... you have found what very less people find, you have found HELP in materializing an opportunity to grow.

All the best!
-------------

BTW: As a corollary to the above epiphany: Learn to give genuine help. It could be a simple word of advice - even if unwarranted. It could be a praise. It could be a smile or may be a nod. it could be anything. Help people correct themselves. BUT. But when you point out an error always suggest a solution to correct it.
-------------

Be right back!

A Quantum of Solace

2010-02-25T20:01:00.005+05:30

White mixed into gray
and the gray turned black
the wind kept moving on
without looking back

there was a rush...
a rush to get somewhere
no idea where it was...
would have known if she had been there

what was it that she was looking for?
what was it that she would find?
did she even know what she wanted..
food, shelter, answers, or a peaceful mind?

why stopping was not an option?
Why did she have to always roam?
why she couldn't just stay at one place?
and have a heart to call hers and a place to call home?

Was she still looking at others?
why is she still wondering what's wrong?
why can't she care enough to find out?
and What the hell is taking so long?

And she wandered some more
and she flew by the meadows
and blew besides an old house
she rubbed the misty windows

and what she saw
caught her attention
because she had never
seen her reflection

and then it dawned upon
as she finally met the one
that if she was the question,
then she was also the solution.

that while she wandered in search of something
that 'something' she carried all along
and that's why all her searches
ended with everything wrong

the 'something' she looked for everywhere
was to be found only in this place
her heart had always carried
her quantum of solace....

Another turning point: Good Byes and a New Phase

2010-02-10T19:42:00.005+05:30

Close to one year ago I had posted this. I got to know yesterday that R is leaving the company nd yesterday was her last day as well...

I don't know what I'll miss the most - R or the freedom R used to give me or the feedback that she used to give me.

It's a long time you know - 6 months out of an year - I was interacting only with her and N about work and has she helped me or what. and she always understood. I mean there were just so many things that were not needed to be said, but were plainly understood. And now I'll have to start right at the bottom with other peers/seniours. And she'd always let me know, just by slightest of the hints, where I needed to improve. And now I have to figure it out myself. :|

She said she believed in me and she actually did. The freedom I felt in her presence was immense, and together we would turn into an idea factory. And the client feedback used to be legen - wait for it - dary.

Good Bye R, would really miss you. And there is only one promise to keep: would never forget what you gave me and will pass it on!

The attachment though, I feel, at one plane or the other, was also because of the comfort zone. And now I have to step out of it. I mean we weren't going to stay together forever. She has moved on for her own good. And now I have to push myself outside of that mindframe of being understood all the time.

It is said that we grow up the most when we are in the valley. So more challenges ahead. I gotta cope up with seniors who are more critical than her, people who may be less cooperative. Or may be, I should just give up my opinions of others and give them a fair chance to help/influence me...hmm.. I think I really need to make a fresh start. But I am armed with the knowledge R passed me.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

I guess the time has come that I should finally accept that people will never stay with you forever... It's only what you learnt from them and their memories that you can keep.. rest is all momentary.

So make the best of what/who you have right now. Because, kal ho na ho.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end that's right.

Life... as they say... is full of surprises.

Cranky, Insecure and Vulnerable

2010-01-25T21:15:00.002+05:30

I promised that this will be the last time I'll let anyone hurt me. That is it. I'll build an even stronger facade. Won't let anyone in. But somehow or the other, there is always someone who finds a weakness somewhere , a secret passage in and blasts me down.

and i fiercer than ever, inhuman than ever, make bloated promises never to forget the scar, yet feel empty, because I said the same last time too and failed to keep it.

Do I have to fail at everything?? Can't I even pass at being nothing?

Piece by piece..something is dying inside. And I hate it.

antiSocial - Social - antiSocial - Social - uh oh!

2010-01-24T01:27:00.003+05:30

so it happened once again... second time in a month... that's like scary... fighting with my three lifelines at one go in one day for no major reasons.. feel unhappy about absolutely minor unimportant things - family friends and work - arguments everywhere... feeling frustu... irritated.. and this aint PMS!

The problems: I need a lifestyle change. I absolutely hv to give up the mechanical office-home/home-office routine and bring in something that would break the monotony.

Long time haven't read a book. and i have more than a couple of them at hand..

winner stands alone
have a little faith
fountainhead
tara road
past is another country
the secret
thank u jeeves
blink evening news
zahir
jeffry archr double novel

the guitar classes... been over a month since i fixed it.. i think i shud just stop being lazy and go once.
yes it irritates me when people act uber formal. avoid them!
dont call them if you know they wont respond... its only frustrating...avoid these too!
they are too busy for ur sunday plan... frustrating isn't it.. hw many plans u make and how many excuses they generate to fail them.. stop making them.. avoid it!
why hav u started expecting out of people?? remember urself.. u r frnds wid ppl bcz u want to be.. and nw if u dnt want then dnt be.. make ur life easier.. pick those who you want, those who want you and just sieve out all the rest...
music.. yeah i think i need to find some new songs... vh1 here i come :)
lone trips around delhi.. perfect.. god have i missed myself.. nothing like shopping and exploring in delhi.. minus the drama minus the waiting, minus the phones.. yeah..!!
evening walks.. that wud reallly get me cracking ..
movies... of course i am yet to see so many of them.. yo great time pass too..
exercise.. of course.. meditation,, i totally forgot abt it...suryanamaskars would be wonderful..
colours.. its been a while since i painted.. and sketches.. lord hw cud i hv frgotten it...
photos and blogging.. ok not much interest left in revealing inner secrets but well well... i now have a nearly good camera.. photography starts!

god why did i even stop doing any of these??

you may roam around the world looking for happiness.. you'll always reaturn home to find it :)

to feel part of anything.. u first need to be a part of urself :)

Posts, Drafts, Gyan, etc.

2009-12-01T22:35:00.004+05:30

Posts:I just published 4 posts before this one. Purely on a whim. They were all written at different times in different frames of mind by a different me. Only one thing in common: they all are sadly about sadness.

Drafts: And plan to publish all my drafts this month.. so expect about 8 more posts this month. Don't wanna carry anything in the new year. 2009 - I hope I never see you.

Gyan:
1. To get different results, you need to do different things.
2. Humara darr humaari takat ban sakta hai, agar hum usse aanken na churaye toh. (Source: NDTV)

Etc.:
(From a poem I wrote for a friend long ago)

When the good times came,
they didn't last,
The bad ones
didn't either.

When success came,
it didn't stay,
The failures
didn't either.

They were all blown away
with time's swift flow,
and we sailed
even farther...

Picture Courtesy: Indexed

With love luck and a little doze of madness,
the wanderer.

Life...

2009-12-01T22:19:00.003+05:30

madness it is...
to love what is wrong
to hate what is right
to say one thing
hear the other
and mean none of them

joke it is
and all I can do is laugh at myself
at the sadistic pleasure people drive in my pain
its good atleast your happy
my blood will not go in vain

and I laugh
I laugh at you yes you right there
for believing you could even change things
for even trying to budge out your thinking
I hope life sucks for you!!!

P.S.: Sorry for the cliched title.

and then there is a tomorrow...

2009-12-01T22:13:00.002+05:30

and one more sun sets
putting another day between me and you
pushed hard to reach the finishing line
and then there is a tomorrow...

I promised to grow up
I promised to brave it
was hardly able to get though today
and then there is a tomorrow...

I shouted and I screamed
did you hear me somewhere?
I wanted to black out crying
but then there is a tomorrow

I thought I'll give up
I thought I'll give in
Its easy to break up
but then there is a tomorrow...

am learning something new
did you see me growing up a little more today
am learning to fight
'cause then there will be a tomorrow...

Just another day...

2009-12-01T21:11:00.001+05:30

when I chose to blame the world
for the things I could correct

when I let out my anger on myself
by not working for what I want

when I got frustrated
over little things that don't really matter
like the clutch wire of my car and vodafone customer care

when I dreamt about running away, as fast as I can
but I know escape is not an option

when I could have been happy in someone else's happiness
but I rather wanted to see everyone crying
and was jealous of their laughter and wished they wouldn't laugh or even smile
What was it they were happy about anyway?

How can I blame you, when its me I can't forgive?

Abhi toh

2009-12-01T20:50:00.003+05:30

abhi toh bahut ladhna tha tumse
aur tum abhi se saath chhodh chale
abhi toh kitne nakhre dikhaane the
aur tum na jaane kahan kho gaye

ek mauka dete kuch karne ka
sirf bana kar hi chhodh gaye
abhi toh maafi maangni thi
aur tum rooth kar hi chale gaye

abhi toh galti karna seekha tha
tum sahi kiye bina chale gaye
abhi samajhna shuroo kiya tha
aur tum uljha kar hi chhodh gaye

kachche se sapne dekhe the
tum tufaano main chhodh gaye
anjuli bhar aas toh thi
tum seheraon main chhodh gaye

haath thaamke chalna sikhaya
aur zindagi ke dhakkon main chhodh gaye
tumhaare haath se agle ghar jaana tha
tum khud na jaane kahaan chale gaye

jhooth se nafrat karna sikhaya
aur kadhwi sachai peene ko chhodh gaye
hasne ki bahut koshish karti hu
par chaahat tum apne saath le gaye

dhoop main chhaon bane ab tak
ab saari chamak leke kahin chale gaye...

Velvet

2009-11-12T22:24:00.004+05:30

black and dark surround
like am the only one around
a little lost like always
but today I wanna be found...

I wanna know
where m gonna go
disoriented as always
an inner compass in tow...

I whisper in the night
only darkness behind
a little flicker in the distance
or a fault in my sight

and silence dies midway
like darkness by the day
the velvet of indifference surrounds
and leads me far away

the velvet soothes me down
and ignorance surrounds
I close my eyes and sleep
oblivious to whats going around

and once again...
black and dark surround
making me feel am the only one around
lost n sleepy again
I wish I had been found...

It's a drain

2009-11-11T20:36:00.003+05:30

In a recent conversation a friend once again asked, "Where have you been? and your blog-", "It's a drain, it's not a blog anymore," I cut in. Yes. This space is no longer my true reflection. It's just a drain for my thoughts, when they get murkier. Well, so be it.

(Sometimes I envy people who can 'be strong' and contain themselves.)

No Strings Attached

2009-10-31T23:07:00.007+05:30

I have decided to log off
and shut down
the careless person I used to be
who'd open her heart to anybody

Enough is enough
we'll drift anyway
so let's stand apart from the beginning
and walk at a distance along the way

No strings attached is my new motto
lets work, laugh, flirt and play
but don't ask whats really on
it makes it easier to get on with the day

I won't be nosy
and I won't interfere
and I won't blame you
when you are not there

It's a friendship of convenience
not like 'something has died inside my heart'
Am whole and alive
just trying to make a new start

It will be painful though
to shift towards the hypocrite side
but now I see the truth
and all the hurt it is able to hide

Immature I was to share my feelings
to be happy and sad infront of you
and never really appreciated the bloody
"mysteriousness" you carried in you

So here I am
Agreeing with all of you finally
"Its stupid to be open
and trust people so easily."

I agree I was foolish in wasting
my days, months and years
'expecting' to open you up
when every single time I only got some tears

So say bbye; I know you'll not
miss the older senseless me,
and welcome the new and improved
The Non-Demanding Me

So come, we'll be 'friends'
who do not care as such
but we'll ask each other 'wassup'
and be settled with a 'nothing much'

And then we'll get back to our lives
and forget we cared if we must
but the only problem is
like an idiot....... I'll still miss 'us'

erm..kaise kahu yeh raaz tumhe?

2009-10-31T19:15:00.004+05:30

Have you felt that feeling.. of people moving away..one moment one day at a time. how slowly and suprisingly it happens. You start feeling comfortable with newer people and places, and awkward with the old. As if awkwardness and comfortability had just switched places.

You suddenly are at a loss of words with people you knew thoroughly. You had talked with them for hours at an end.. and suddenly you just don't know what to talk about. The 'bond' you share is now malnourished due to lack of similarity. You don't share the same song and stage and whenever you speak up you are always out of tune.

How I wish I could still understand them...and they could understand me. No matter how different we were becoming.

It was such a comfort to know them. and a comfort that they know you. you could open yourself up, give and get a truhful answer to the question 'how are you?'.

It's tough...
... to watch people grow away and not be able to do anything about it.
... to try and figure out what's wrong now.
... to understand your own self and how you behave/react/respond
... to grow up
... to accept responsibility
... to accept reality

suddenly I am reminded of the lyrics from that Queen's song..'Too much love will kill you'.

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong...

I wish I'd stop dreaming, thinking... being.

Pensieve

2009-10-06T22:35:00.002+05:30

a picture of my college trip
my dark green framed black specs
my dis appearing hairline
a packet of gujrati shingdana
a packet of 50 shades of oil pastels
a 5 in 1 pirated dvd
nicholas spark's at first sight
a coffee break
the elaichi tea
the officer
a pco
oily hair
the chocolate bag
the shouting match
the aaloo tikki burger
thw waiting Swift
the discharged phone
the room with 4 colors
the missing SMS

* a list of things i came across today

Smile Please!

2009-09-26T17:35:00.006+05:30

And slowly and steadily
life pushed its way around
looking for the sunshine
breaking through the ground

a spark here
and a burst there
light was making it through
really from no where

from unexpected things
came little pieces of happiness
its a matter of how open you are
and how much you want to cling to sadness

It may seem scary to get out there
and face the storm
but a cycle it is
and the show needs to go on

the memories may haunt
no matter how much peace
you may want
but let it all out
and feel light and fly
let the bads shrivel up
and die...

clung enough
cried more
died enough
thinking of living some more

you had no control then
you have no control now
day led to night, night will lead to day
follow the light all along the way

choose to smile
love to laugh
make someone happy
with a heart and a half

Life..it's priceless, you know
too much to just give away...
believe in hope
it will never betray :)

P.S.: I really want to start my photoblog again... it was something, you know, being able to say a thousand things in a few lines with a picture.. and those lines really did had immense thought wrapped in them...ah.. no vanity.. but it was very special for me... i think am gonna get back to it... thanks ash:)

Hang On!

2009-09-20T20:41:00.005+05:30

For a friend: here is a sort-of-pep-talk I wrote for myself a while ago. Hope it helps you as it helps me...

I know... you know?... I really actually truly believe in the heart of my hearts, that this is gonna get solved. Yes. This is gonna be over. It is the law of the nature. What comes has to go. As the day ends, night would too.

Its like those scary exam days. When you thought you really would never make to the other end. But they do. They somehow just do.

Everything will fall into the right place. You just gotta believe in it long enough. You remember that one liner?? Its not the final blow of the hammer that drives the nail in. If the nail is in the wood, its because of all the blows that didn't seem to have any effect.

You have got to be patient. You have got to hold on... really. Just hang on and be patient. Bear it. The confusion, the frustration.. just go through it. YES it will hurt..and YES it'll make you wanna quit. But you gotta keep doing it. Till you no longer feel it. and then you'll get the result. The result that'll make everything, every moment of helplessness, every frustration seem worthwhile.

Life can only be lived forwards, but it is understood backwards.That's the beauty of it.

It just has to work out. Absolutely has too. There has got to be a way. And if you can't see it now, just believe in it so bad that it is forced to materialize out of nowhere!!

You never thought you'll get into this situation. So how can you think you can't get out of it?

You know why the rain dance works?? Because they don't stop dancing till it rains... Keep dancing.. It's GOTTA rain.

It's the fear of not making it till the end that stops you at every step. Trust me every step. I know. I trust you. But you gotta know who is strong. The fear or your determination? So who is it gonna be?? What are you made of?? What the hell ARE you made of?

Things aren't the way they were before. It IS sad. It IS NOT unfair. You have no idea what other people's life's are made on. This is your challenge. YOU face it. YES you want to shout, to hit people where it'll hurt them the most. BUT this is how it is. And will always be. You have got to get through it. In the end, it doesn't even matter what happened or didn't.

To get something you have never had before, you gotta do something you haven't done before. You gotta change. You gotta take this up. It's your pain. Yours. Not somebody else's. They have theirs. And you have yours. It won't be ignored.

I will never know myself until i do this on my own
and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away. I'll find myself today

Erase all the pain till its gone...

P.S.: Like old days, Linkin Park saves my soul.

Cigrettes

2009-09-12T23:45:00.006+05:30

that lack of words
that awkwardness
that simplicity
that intelligence
the wisdom
that innocence and that hard work
that sense of humour (and its overwhelming presence!)
that 'lost' look in your eyes
and that style (or lack thereof :P)
that concern in your voice
that smile and that laughter
that easiness
that ability to soothe nerves
that honesty and That temper (my my!)
those silly dreams and quest for answers...

Its no suprise that I love you

But we can't be together
(No chance, no way)
It's written like that
and it's designed that way...

Like two sides of the river
running parallel, side by side
never to meet
but nothing to hide...

But I didn't want you then
and I don't want you now
If truth be told,
and we were together
..that'll be total mess! (I swear!)

And seriously, I don't even care what you think of me (hah! :P)
or if you think of me at all...
I just wanted to say...
that I have always loved you
...and there is nothing you can do about it (how about that?:P)
nor can I...

P.S.: Smoke On! :)